Yeah I've been gone for a few days. Nope, no baby. The woes of third trimester finally hit and I've parked it on the couch and frankly, there is nothing interesting to report.
I could tell you what was new with Brandon, Kelly & the gang in 1995.
I could tell you how bummed I am that Agent Walker was killed off in 24 & how I knew WT Dana (Jenny) was dirty the entire time (we are NOT finished with Day 8 - please do not spoil it for me)
I could fill you in on the last two Glee & Parenthood episodes.
I could tell you how the Royals split the series with the Red Sox.
Or how much I hate the new Honda commercial where they parachute the guy to the dealership. stupid.
This is pretty bad considering I don't really like TV...
Or I could discuss the food I've been eating:
Dunkin' Donuts (why oh why did one have to open by our house?!)
Chipotle
Mi Ranchito
pizza
Blue Bell ice cream (yeah they now make happy tracks which is just like moose tracks...)
watermelon. lots and lots of watermelon
Or how my husband has been nesting all while my getting-bigger by-the-day-butt has been planted on the couch. (Didn't know daddies-to-be did that - but I love it) He's cleaned out the filing cabinet, cleaned out kitchen drawers, cleaned out the grill, cleaned the deck, and all kinds of yard work. I have zero energy and just kind of feel like crap. I am going to spare you the details and symptoms of the final few weeks of pregnancy because a) you've been there and don't need to repeat it b) you won't want to have babies. But yes, I did cough so hard that I threw up in our friends, fancy-schmancy car last night. Luckily I didn't pee in my pants - I don't think they would have been so nice about it...
I'm done folks. Campbell, apparently isn't. I guess I am already learning to revolve my schedule around hers.
So any-day now... right?
5.31.2010
5.25.2010
one big hill away...
If you are looking for a pick me up or a smiley happy post - you might want to skip reading this.
This has been one of those days. A day when I all I want to do is cry. A day when I have laid on my bed and cried. A day when I have walked and cried (I wore sunglasses so they wouldn't call PVPD on the crazy prego). A day when I have been fixated on the upcoming birth and what it will be like. A day when I don't understand why this had to happen to us. I know it's partly hormones, but today it is deeper than hormones.
I want the birth to get here so badly. Obviously I want to meet my babies. More than that I want the unknown to be known. I want to get some of the sadness over with. Is that horrible? It's kind of like I've been on this really long run and I am exhausted and I know that there is a big steep hill coming up that I have to get up and over in order to finish my run. I know that once I reach the top I can take a little water break, maybe have a little gu and then I'll be home free. The hill means putting one foot in front of the other and not looking up at the top. Slow and steady wins the race. We will get there - and there will be relief when we do. Sometimes the fear of something is worse than the actual event.
I'm not naive. I know that this grieving process won't end with their birth. I know we will grieve her for the rest of our lives. But I need to get this moving - I need to get to the next step. I've been in denial the past 2 months and it's time to move forward. I need to get Campbell here safely and soundly and know that she is okay. I know - but it will be a huge relief to have her here ... in our arms... finally. I need to see Parker. I need to hold her, to memorize her.
I feel like I am preparing for the loss of one of my babies more than I am actually preparing for natural child birth. The thought of dealing with any physical pain pales in comparison to preparing to part with Parker. Natural childbirth truly doesn't scare me at this point. Separating myself from Parker does. I know she is "there" but she isn't.... I know she isn't viable...but part of me just doesn't want to let her go.
If you believe in prayer - please pray. Pray that the birth would be peaceful and positive. Pray for strength, both physical and emotional. That we would be able to make the memories that we will want to have down the road. That we will know how to balance the complexity of our emotions. That the staff we have surrounding us during this time would be sensitive to our needs. That we would have joy on this special day. I am not building it up into a special "moment" - I just have no idea what to expect and want to be able to make the most of it for both of my babies.
I'm okay. Really I am - it's just been one of those days. After every cloudy day, there is sunshine. That's what I'm looking forward to tomorrow - the sun's warm rays.
This has been one of those days. A day when I all I want to do is cry. A day when I have laid on my bed and cried. A day when I have walked and cried (I wore sunglasses so they wouldn't call PVPD on the crazy prego). A day when I have been fixated on the upcoming birth and what it will be like. A day when I don't understand why this had to happen to us. I know it's partly hormones, but today it is deeper than hormones.
I want the birth to get here so badly. Obviously I want to meet my babies. More than that I want the unknown to be known. I want to get some of the sadness over with. Is that horrible? It's kind of like I've been on this really long run and I am exhausted and I know that there is a big steep hill coming up that I have to get up and over in order to finish my run. I know that once I reach the top I can take a little water break, maybe have a little gu and then I'll be home free. The hill means putting one foot in front of the other and not looking up at the top. Slow and steady wins the race. We will get there - and there will be relief when we do. Sometimes the fear of something is worse than the actual event.
I'm not naive. I know that this grieving process won't end with their birth. I know we will grieve her for the rest of our lives. But I need to get this moving - I need to get to the next step. I've been in denial the past 2 months and it's time to move forward. I need to get Campbell here safely and soundly and know that she is okay. I know - but it will be a huge relief to have her here ... in our arms... finally. I need to see Parker. I need to hold her, to memorize her.
I feel like I am preparing for the loss of one of my babies more than I am actually preparing for natural child birth. The thought of dealing with any physical pain pales in comparison to preparing to part with Parker. Natural childbirth truly doesn't scare me at this point. Separating myself from Parker does. I know she is "there" but she isn't.... I know she isn't viable...but part of me just doesn't want to let her go.
If you believe in prayer - please pray. Pray that the birth would be peaceful and positive. Pray for strength, both physical and emotional. That we would be able to make the memories that we will want to have down the road. That we will know how to balance the complexity of our emotions. That the staff we have surrounding us during this time would be sensitive to our needs. That we would have joy on this special day. I am not building it up into a special "moment" - I just have no idea what to expect and want to be able to make the most of it for both of my babies.
I'm okay. Really I am - it's just been one of those days. After every cloudy day, there is sunshine. That's what I'm looking forward to tomorrow - the sun's warm rays.
5.22.2010
9 1/2 months. 38 weeks. 266 days... but who's counting?
no i'm not wearing make up.
yes my running skirt is non-prego and too small (but surprisingly comfy),
but mat won't let me wear his wt cross-country shorts in public.
and if someone looks at me again and says, "wow you ARE prego" i might deck 'em.
i seriously feel like i have been pregnant since 1985 - except if you think about that too much it's gross. so really just forever. i can't remember what being skinny feels like - but i tell you, i'm not taking it for granted. i now know how an extra 30 pounds (yes i just told you how much i've gained) makes you feel and i'm ready to be skinny again.
i think we have just about all of our bases covered. (except getting my high-lites this week). nursery is done. bag is somewhat packed. final to-dolist is typed. camera battery is charged. extra toiletries have been stocked up. clean sheets are on the guest room bed. toes have been pedicured. floors are mopped. refrigerator has been cleaned out (and looks pretty spectacular). car seat is installed. diaper genie is put together. seriously - i think we have it all covered. she just needs to get here.
but we are waiting. we do not want to be induced unless medically necessary. we've made it this far by God and we can do another two weeks ... or more (uggghhhh)... if necessary. but thursday is a full-moon so i'm keeping my fingers crossed. if you are a praying person - go ahead and pray for it will you? thanks.
mat & i are trying to squeeze in as much quality time as possible - walks, dates, a 24 marathon trying to get us caught up for the big night. (fyi - if campbell had been a boy, her name would have been jack bauer good) we really do try to talk about non-baby things - but our talks keep coming back to her.
pregnancy truly is a miracle. i am so thankful that despite the emotional roller coaster that has encompassed our past 5 months that we are about to welcome our baby girl. i do not take it for granted. i'm just telling you how i feel today.
just an update. a random, 9 1/2 month, 38 week, 266 day update.
5.18.2010
ADD, Boyz to Men, and a crazy clean fridge...
Many of you are aware of my self-diagnosed ADD condition. If not, you might want to read this post or this one. Or maybe you've only read my blog once and you were ready to call me in some ritalin. It's ridiculous really, once my brain gets started it just doesn't stop. So this morning at 3:15 I wake up from the most glorious, comatose-esqu sleep that I have had in a long time. Campbell apparently did a karate chop to my bladder and lets just say I barely made it to the bathroom on time. Mission accomplished and I was headed back to bed ready to head back to dream land. Unfortunately, my brain wasn't. The next hour and half went something like this:
"I really hope I can get the ELL caseload & my state report finished before the baby comes. That wouldn't be very cool to leave it for someone else (i.e. Edith) to wrap up. What if I were to go into labor right now? I wonder what it would feel like? I am ready for natural childbirth - at least I think I am. Ignorance is bliss, right? Just wish Mat would read part of Ina May's book (hint hint honey). What would I need to do before we left for the hospital? Will the dogs be okay while we are gone? Maybe I should get some spare keys made...I can NOT forget to talk to the doctor about pre-registering today! Didn't baby center tell me to do that at like 18 weeks?! HELLO dance party USA! Looks like Campbell is wide awake. (The next 90 minutes consisted of a full-out head-banging, Elaine-style dance party in my belly. Jabs to the bladder, booty bumps to the ribs, punches to the side - she was quite the little rock star) Aren't you supposed to be able to tell a baby's sleep schedule by now (that's what baby center said)? Is it possible that she doesn't sleep - at all? Can a baby really NOT sleep at all because I don't think she ever sleeps... Speaking of sleep ..... I REALLLLLLYYYYY want to fall back asleep... Hmmmm..... I haven't typed up my final hospital list yet - what else do I need to add on to it? I really need to get that finished tomorrow. OH, then I need to take the car seat in and have it "officially" installed. Oh! And the breast pump - I can't forget to get new tubing. And buy that breastfeeding book...I really hope breast feeding works out. I think it will - I'll just have to power through - marathon style. So back to going into labor. What if I went into labor right NOW? Then what? Oh geez, my fridge is a mess. My mom and mother in law will be here. And if a friend were to stop by and open the fridge...gross seriously gross... I have GOT to get that cleaned out as we are getting to the end of the road here. ***Cue boyz to men "End of the Road"***. (Uhm thanks a lot Molly - since your last post, Boyz to Men has been bouncing around in my brain. Maybe that's what C is rocking out to?)"
4:30 Give up. Get up. Head to the kitchen to put some coffee on. (Like thats going to help the dancing queen settle down) By this point my ADD-ness has a very positive effect on the next two hours. I proceed to clean out the ENTIRE fridge top to bottom and even repair the temp gauge on my veggie drawer. Now my produce won't freeze! And yes I finally got the deli drawer cleaned out as well. Spotless and beautiful. The fridge is now Cribs-worthy. Then that motivates me unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage, take out the recycling, clean out some drawers, shred some mail, then I feel the need to sanitize my kitchen counters & send a few text messages (seriously - did I really think anyone needed to get a text from me a 5:00 in the morning...sorry guys) and well of course blog about it...
Baby Update:
Campbell got an A+ on her growth scan yesterday. She is tipping the scales at 5lb 13 oz. I am THRILLED at this. It means that she is now growing FASTER than the typical growth rate. AND my amniotic fluid has increased again. (I guess it's supposed to stabilize or slightly decrease by now?) My doctors were both thrilled as well. I'm happy to see that my semi-retirement (or sabbatical as I like to now refer to it) has had a positive effect on her. The first week off I gained 3 lbs and I'm ecstatic that so much of that went to her (instead of my rear). As for me, I'm feeling pretty darn good for being 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am preparing myself to go slightly past my original due date since she is smaller and because I really don't want to be induced. I get tired easily, am having a ton of braxton hicks and cramping and feel like I have a bowling ball inside me, but hey - I've got a healthy baby I'll be holding in a few weeks - I can't spend my time complaining.
Okay back to this darn caseload and state report...
"I really hope I can get the ELL caseload & my state report finished before the baby comes. That wouldn't be very cool to leave it for someone else (i.e. Edith) to wrap up. What if I were to go into labor right now? I wonder what it would feel like? I am ready for natural childbirth - at least I think I am. Ignorance is bliss, right? Just wish Mat would read part of Ina May's book (hint hint honey). What would I need to do before we left for the hospital? Will the dogs be okay while we are gone? Maybe I should get some spare keys made...I can NOT forget to talk to the doctor about pre-registering today! Didn't baby center tell me to do that at like 18 weeks?! HELLO dance party USA! Looks like Campbell is wide awake. (The next 90 minutes consisted of a full-out head-banging, Elaine-style dance party in my belly. Jabs to the bladder, booty bumps to the ribs, punches to the side - she was quite the little rock star) Aren't you supposed to be able to tell a baby's sleep schedule by now (that's what baby center said)? Is it possible that she doesn't sleep - at all? Can a baby really NOT sleep at all because I don't think she ever sleeps... Speaking of sleep ..... I REALLLLLLYYYYY want to fall back asleep... Hmmmm..... I haven't typed up my final hospital list yet - what else do I need to add on to it? I really need to get that finished tomorrow. OH, then I need to take the car seat in and have it "officially" installed. Oh! And the breast pump - I can't forget to get new tubing. And buy that breastfeeding book...I really hope breast feeding works out. I think it will - I'll just have to power through - marathon style. So back to going into labor. What if I went into labor right NOW? Then what? Oh geez, my fridge is a mess. My mom and mother in law will be here. And if a friend were to stop by and open the fridge...gross seriously gross... I have GOT to get that cleaned out as we are getting to the end of the road here. ***Cue boyz to men "End of the Road"***. (Uhm thanks a lot Molly - since your last post, Boyz to Men has been bouncing around in my brain. Maybe that's what C is rocking out to?)"
4:30 Give up. Get up. Head to the kitchen to put some coffee on. (Like thats going to help the dancing queen settle down) By this point my ADD-ness has a very positive effect on the next two hours. I proceed to clean out the ENTIRE fridge top to bottom and even repair the temp gauge on my veggie drawer. Now my produce won't freeze! And yes I finally got the deli drawer cleaned out as well. Spotless and beautiful. The fridge is now Cribs-worthy. Then that motivates me unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage, take out the recycling, clean out some drawers, shred some mail, then I feel the need to sanitize my kitchen counters & send a few text messages (seriously - did I really think anyone needed to get a text from me a 5:00 in the morning...sorry guys) and well of course blog about it...
Baby Update:
Campbell got an A+ on her growth scan yesterday. She is tipping the scales at 5lb 13 oz. I am THRILLED at this. It means that she is now growing FASTER than the typical growth rate. AND my amniotic fluid has increased again. (I guess it's supposed to stabilize or slightly decrease by now?) My doctors were both thrilled as well. I'm happy to see that my semi-retirement (or sabbatical as I like to now refer to it) has had a positive effect on her. The first week off I gained 3 lbs and I'm ecstatic that so much of that went to her (instead of my rear). As for me, I'm feeling pretty darn good for being 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. I am preparing myself to go slightly past my original due date since she is smaller and because I really don't want to be induced. I get tired easily, am having a ton of braxton hicks and cramping and feel like I have a bowling ball inside me, but hey - I've got a healthy baby I'll be holding in a few weeks - I can't spend my time complaining.
Okay back to this darn caseload and state report...
5.12.2010
A few prego pics...
A friend of mine took some prego pics of us last night and clearly did a fantastic job!
Jami - Thank you for the good time and the beautiful photographs! You are a very talented photographer. We had a blast...even Mat:)
5.11.2010
moo moo buckaroo
Warning: If you are male and the topic of breast feeding makes you squeemish, don't read any further.
Since I was first pregnant I knew I wanted to breast feed. I've heard victory stories and I've heard horror stories. The more I looked into it and researched it, the more I knew I wanted to be successful at this. No only does it help prevent SIDS, different types of cancer and encourage proper oral & speech development it also saves BIG time $$. That being said I realize it isn't for everyone, nor does it work out for everyone. No judgement here, just stating what my plan is. Kind of like natural childbirth. No judgement, just my plan. Anyways, I've talked to several friends and they all recommended going to a class. Great. After watching Jim & Pam's experience on The Office I knew we needed to go to a class (AND make sure that our hospital doesn't make you share rooms!) I let Mat know that we would be going to a class and started to find one that would match his crazy schedule. Needless to say he was less than enthused and it took quite a bit of bribing encouraging to get him to agree. Seriously 3 hours in the big picture of life isn't that much to ask when it comes to your child's nourishment, right? Right. I convinced him I would be the only baby's mama without a baby's daddy at the class. I even had our friend Drew talk it up at dinner one night. Finally, agreement.
So fast forward to last night. Away we go. Me-looking forward to receiving the very best information in breastfeeding and tips for making it more successful; knew I'd be walking away feeling more confident in this new adventure. Mat-sure that the "lady is just going to pull out her boob and demonstrate". (honey, you have a medical degree - I'm sure you see uncomfortable stuff like random boobs all the time)
Overall, GREAT class. I highly recommend you go and take your spouse. Nobody got their boob out to demonstrate, though we did watch a video of it - which I thought was very helpful because it's not like you watch your friends breast feed their babies up close and personal. Well, at least I don't. The room was filled mommies and about half of them had their hubbies - which Mat was very quick to point out. And then there was that one couple. You know, the hyper-anal, notebook-in hand, on the edge of their seat couple. Yeah they showed up. They had question after question after question. The very first being, "What if we don't like our lactation consultant?" REALLY? That's your very first, most pressing question about nourishing your new little bundle of joy? They proceeded to ask about models of breast pumps, tubing, used breast pumps, etc. Seriously google it folks. Works for me. THEY were the ones who turned it into a 3 hour class when it should've been over by 2 hours. (FYI: There was a couple just like them in our childbirth class, taking shorthand notes of everything our instructor said, asking a million questions. REALLY?! are you going to pull out that little notepad mid-contraction and flip to point B.2.ii and find the "answer"?! Wackos I tell you, wackos.)
Anyways - we are getting much closer to our little lady's debut. I feel like I am getting more prepared and getting things in order. Including learning more about this whole breast feeding business. I learned more about latching on, lanolin, pumps, cabbage leaves, engorgement, colostrum, types of poopy diapers & nursing bras then I thought was possible. I'm a little more overwhelmed than I was before the class, but I think the information is going to come in very handy. For both of us.
Oh and Mat's response, "Good information. She repeated herself way too many times. Could've been accomplished in an hour"
So if you are expecting and wondering if you should attend a nursing class, the answer is yes and so should your hubby. Just tell him Mat recommended it=)
Since I was first pregnant I knew I wanted to breast feed. I've heard victory stories and I've heard horror stories. The more I looked into it and researched it, the more I knew I wanted to be successful at this. No only does it help prevent SIDS, different types of cancer and encourage proper oral & speech development it also saves BIG time $$. That being said I realize it isn't for everyone, nor does it work out for everyone. No judgement here, just stating what my plan is. Kind of like natural childbirth. No judgement, just my plan. Anyways, I've talked to several friends and they all recommended going to a class. Great. After watching Jim & Pam's experience on The Office I knew we needed to go to a class (AND make sure that our hospital doesn't make you share rooms!) I let Mat know that we would be going to a class and started to find one that would match his crazy schedule. Needless to say he was less than enthused and it took quite a bit of bribing encouraging to get him to agree. Seriously 3 hours in the big picture of life isn't that much to ask when it comes to your child's nourishment, right? Right. I convinced him I would be the only baby's mama without a baby's daddy at the class. I even had our friend Drew talk it up at dinner one night. Finally, agreement.
So fast forward to last night. Away we go. Me-looking forward to receiving the very best information in breastfeeding and tips for making it more successful; knew I'd be walking away feeling more confident in this new adventure. Mat-sure that the "lady is just going to pull out her boob and demonstrate". (honey, you have a medical degree - I'm sure you see uncomfortable stuff like random boobs all the time)
Overall, GREAT class. I highly recommend you go and take your spouse. Nobody got their boob out to demonstrate, though we did watch a video of it - which I thought was very helpful because it's not like you watch your friends breast feed their babies up close and personal. Well, at least I don't. The room was filled mommies and about half of them had their hubbies - which Mat was very quick to point out. And then there was that one couple. You know, the hyper-anal, notebook-in hand, on the edge of their seat couple. Yeah they showed up. They had question after question after question. The very first being, "What if we don't like our lactation consultant?" REALLY? That's your very first, most pressing question about nourishing your new little bundle of joy? They proceeded to ask about models of breast pumps, tubing, used breast pumps, etc. Seriously google it folks. Works for me. THEY were the ones who turned it into a 3 hour class when it should've been over by 2 hours. (FYI: There was a couple just like them in our childbirth class, taking shorthand notes of everything our instructor said, asking a million questions. REALLY?! are you going to pull out that little notepad mid-contraction and flip to point B.2.ii and find the "answer"?! Wackos I tell you, wackos.)
Anyways - we are getting much closer to our little lady's debut. I feel like I am getting more prepared and getting things in order. Including learning more about this whole breast feeding business. I learned more about latching on, lanolin, pumps, cabbage leaves, engorgement, colostrum, types of poopy diapers & nursing bras then I thought was possible. I'm a little more overwhelmed than I was before the class, but I think the information is going to come in very handy. For both of us.
Oh and Mat's response, "Good information. She repeated herself way too many times. Could've been accomplished in an hour"
So if you are expecting and wondering if you should attend a nursing class, the answer is yes and so should your hubby. Just tell him Mat recommended it=)
5.09.2010
beauty
This mothers day has been quite special to me. Even though I am not physically holding baby hope yet, Mat decided that I should get to celebrate as well. He has treated me like a queen. Church, brunch, cards, a gift, time walking around the plaza and relaxing with our dogs have all combined for a great day.
Call it my third trimester hormones, or an emotional day, I've had moms in all different situations on my heart today. Moms who have recently miscarried. Moms who have buried children this year. Moms who long to be moms. Moms with a houseful of beautiful, healthy children. Friends who have lost moms this year.
My heart today is torn today between loss and celebration. The celebration of life & the loss of life cut short. Its occurred to me over the past week that I've let myself be in denial for the past month or so. It's been so easy to become enraptured with creating a nursery, planning for Campbell, preparing for birth and dreaming about holding her in my arms for the first time that I haven't let myself think too much about Parker. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. One huge answered prayer is that I have still been able to find joy in this pregnancy. After we lost Parker, I remember thinking that the rest of pregnancy was going to be hell. I hated the idea of the next 18 weeks and dreaded worrying every single moment if Campbell was still with us. Truth be told, there has been heightened anxiety, but there has been abundant joy. There has been happiness and excitement. God has truly been faithful and allowed me find joy where I didn't think it could be had. Back to this week - as I have had extra time to think this week, Parker has been on my mind. As we are getting closer to d-day and my braxton hicks contractions have greatly increased, I knew I need to finalize some things. The number one thing I have avoided trying to think about too much are the "plans" for Parker. I knew we had to get this taken care of before delivery, but I just didn't want to do it. Something about it made it so much more final. While I long for the validation that I had / have two babies, making final arrangements for one of them was something I just couldn't face. There is something so unnatural about making plans for a baby that will be stillborn. So I put it off. We had discussed it. We knew what we wanted the plans to be, we just hadn't made them official. Mat was going to take care of it for me as I didn't want to make the phone calls. But suddenly this weekend, Mother's Day weekend, I found myself picking up the phone and making the arrangements for what would be done with her little body. For those of you who are a little lost right now, both babies are still inside of me. I see both of them at our weekly bio-physicals. While Campbell has grown and thrived, Parker has gotten smaller. In all reality and bluntness, we don't know exactly what she will look like, just that she will be small. It has been incredibly important to us that we have plans for her in place before delivery. If we don't the hospital takes her "to the lab". I know what that means and its not okay with us. Regardless of what her tiny body has become, she is still our daughter and will be treated with respect and love. The idea of birth is quite bittersweet to us right now.
So today on mother's day, I am faced yet again with the juxtaposition of celebration and loss. Celebrating two precious lives that thrived together. Preparing for the official loss of one of those precious lives while at the same time preparing for the child that will grow up in our home. Identifying with an expectant, excited mom while also identifying with a mom who has gone through loss.
Ok, hang with me - I really am going somewhere with this post that isn't so dreadfully sad.
Our minister today spoke about beauty. Not worldly, fashion model beauty, but the beauty that draws us closer to God. The beauty that sends us searching for something deeper, something bigger. Something he said today really captured my attention: what often isn't pretty in the worldly sense is truly beautiful. (Maybe I am stretching his sermon today to apply it to my own life, but I'm okay with that.) There has been nothing "pretty" about the path we have walked down the past 4 months. There has been nothing pretty about the tears shed, the questions, the heartbreak. And don't get me wrong - I don't think God finds our sadness "beautiful". He grieves and hurts along side us. But I truly believe that there IS beauty in this... somewhere. I don't believe I have seen it completely yet - but I believe I will. This beauty might never reach completion in one act, but I expect to see small glimpses of it throughout the rest of our life. The truest "loss" in all of this is if we let it become a growing source of bitterness and anger instead of desperately seeking the beauty through the grief. After the loss, I wrote about finding beauty from ashes. I'm still not there, but I still believe that beauty will be found. After all faith isn't getting what you want in life, it's knowing that no matter what happens, God will get you through and show you beauty.
Call it my third trimester hormones, or an emotional day, I've had moms in all different situations on my heart today. Moms who have recently miscarried. Moms who have buried children this year. Moms who long to be moms. Moms with a houseful of beautiful, healthy children. Friends who have lost moms this year.
My heart today is torn today between loss and celebration. The celebration of life & the loss of life cut short. Its occurred to me over the past week that I've let myself be in denial for the past month or so. It's been so easy to become enraptured with creating a nursery, planning for Campbell, preparing for birth and dreaming about holding her in my arms for the first time that I haven't let myself think too much about Parker. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. One huge answered prayer is that I have still been able to find joy in this pregnancy. After we lost Parker, I remember thinking that the rest of pregnancy was going to be hell. I hated the idea of the next 18 weeks and dreaded worrying every single moment if Campbell was still with us. Truth be told, there has been heightened anxiety, but there has been abundant joy. There has been happiness and excitement. God has truly been faithful and allowed me find joy where I didn't think it could be had. Back to this week - as I have had extra time to think this week, Parker has been on my mind. As we are getting closer to d-day and my braxton hicks contractions have greatly increased, I knew I need to finalize some things. The number one thing I have avoided trying to think about too much are the "plans" for Parker. I knew we had to get this taken care of before delivery, but I just didn't want to do it. Something about it made it so much more final. While I long for the validation that I had / have two babies, making final arrangements for one of them was something I just couldn't face. There is something so unnatural about making plans for a baby that will be stillborn. So I put it off. We had discussed it. We knew what we wanted the plans to be, we just hadn't made them official. Mat was going to take care of it for me as I didn't want to make the phone calls. But suddenly this weekend, Mother's Day weekend, I found myself picking up the phone and making the arrangements for what would be done with her little body. For those of you who are a little lost right now, both babies are still inside of me. I see both of them at our weekly bio-physicals. While Campbell has grown and thrived, Parker has gotten smaller. In all reality and bluntness, we don't know exactly what she will look like, just that she will be small. It has been incredibly important to us that we have plans for her in place before delivery. If we don't the hospital takes her "to the lab". I know what that means and its not okay with us. Regardless of what her tiny body has become, she is still our daughter and will be treated with respect and love. The idea of birth is quite bittersweet to us right now.
So today on mother's day, I am faced yet again with the juxtaposition of celebration and loss. Celebrating two precious lives that thrived together. Preparing for the official loss of one of those precious lives while at the same time preparing for the child that will grow up in our home. Identifying with an expectant, excited mom while also identifying with a mom who has gone through loss.
Ok, hang with me - I really am going somewhere with this post that isn't so dreadfully sad.
Our minister today spoke about beauty. Not worldly, fashion model beauty, but the beauty that draws us closer to God. The beauty that sends us searching for something deeper, something bigger. Something he said today really captured my attention: what often isn't pretty in the worldly sense is truly beautiful. (Maybe I am stretching his sermon today to apply it to my own life, but I'm okay with that.) There has been nothing "pretty" about the path we have walked down the past 4 months. There has been nothing pretty about the tears shed, the questions, the heartbreak. And don't get me wrong - I don't think God finds our sadness "beautiful". He grieves and hurts along side us. But I truly believe that there IS beauty in this... somewhere. I don't believe I have seen it completely yet - but I believe I will. This beauty might never reach completion in one act, but I expect to see small glimpses of it throughout the rest of our life. The truest "loss" in all of this is if we let it become a growing source of bitterness and anger instead of desperately seeking the beauty through the grief. After the loss, I wrote about finding beauty from ashes. I'm still not there, but I still believe that beauty will be found. After all faith isn't getting what you want in life, it's knowing that no matter what happens, God will get you through and show you beauty.
5.03.2010
35 weeks: semi-retirement
that's right i am currently semi-retired, or at least that's what mat has nicknamed it. i'm thinking about buying a winebago and heading down to florida. maybe eating at luby's at 4:00 with the blue hairs. maybe taking up some bingo. or horse shoes.
this week marks the first week i have not worked in who knows how long. i'm pretty sure after the baby gets here, i will be busier than i ever have been at a "job". so it's nice to have time now. funny thing - my to-do list is longer than ever. it'll get done, i'm not worried about it. in fact i am blogging from the deck on my laptop with my feet up. and i have a new jodi picoult book that is just waiting for me to dive into. the only thing that would make this better is a margarita. i know, i know... in all reality, i am thrilled at the opportunity to rest, relax and consume calories for the next 5 weeks. i'm looking forward to walks with friends, naps, lunches & maybe a pedicure here or there. we kicked off the weekend, with some super yummy meals, a trip to the rivermarket with some friends and a date night. we've decided we need to squeeze in as many date nights as possible in the next few weeks. we still plan on having them after the baby gets here - but without grandparents in town, finding a good babysitter will be a challenge (FYI - if you have any recommendations - let me know!!)
here's little bit of a baby update for you:
cravings:
-watermelon. cold, with fresh squeezed lime and fresh cracked sea salt. exactly like that. i ate an entire watermelon by myself last week. no joke. i don't think there are any health benefits to watermelon, but it can't be bad for you, right?
-snow-cones. a cajun cone from abilene, texas. when i was a little girl in abilene, two of my friends' parents owned a snow cone shop. we'd go a few times during the week each summer. all of our friends would be there. to a 7 year old, it was heaven on earth. what i wouldn't do for one of those now in the village. (maybe come out of retirement and open one?! annalee let me know if they are looking to franchise...)
-fruit in general. i bought a groupon for door to door organics last week and a box of fresh, local, organic produce was delivered to my door today for only $17 today. yum-o. this is seriously one of the best deals i have ever gotten: avacados, mangos, peaches, pears, strawberries, oranges, grapefruits all for $17. i can't wait to enjoy all of them. and my watermelon.
dreams:
okay these have gotten just down-right weird. i've had weird dreams all of pregnancy, but the past few weeks they have really stepped it up a notch.
i dreamed our neighbor's dale & buffy had a pet lion that would sneak into our backyard...
i dreamed we moved to san francisco to train for a marathon just to be ready for the hills...
i dreamed i was going to give birth in a "shared" room (shaped like an octagon)- shared with kiddos from my school that is...
i dreamed campbell had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. if you've seen us you know that's not likely....
this is my favorite:
i dreamed i got pulled over for driving 135 miles per hour. without a shirt on. don't know why i didn't have my top covered - i had just been at the truck stop buying new clothes. the officer threatened to call my husband to tell on me and i begged him not to. i was afraid i'd get in trouble...(?!?)
Mat is definitely entertained when i tell him what my dreams are each morning.
emotions:
oh boy. the tears. the attitude. i never know which its going to be or what i might say to someone. (brooke - please tell adam i really am sorry for snapping at him on saturday) am i going to cry or snap back at you? not quite sure. mat has told me that i cry every time a bird flies over our house. he's not too far off...pretty much everything will bring me to tears right now. even a green day song ....
oh right, the baby:
we had our weekly bio-physical today. little lady was squirming all over the place. the tech kept commenting on how good her breathing motion is. she seriously has dance parties like they are going out of style. she got another 8 / 8. they are watching her amniotic fluid closely as it is on the low end of normal. normal is 6-20 and she is 9. so no biggie, just something to pay attention to. as of last week, she weighed 3lb 11oz. i am really hoping that has increased as that is a tad small. we'll have another growth scan in a few weeks and they will measure my belly again tomorrow to see if it's grown at all. oh! and she is still head down - apparently my headstands worked.
so that's about it. rest, rest, rest. eat, eat, eat.
semi-retirement flowers from the hubby
date night at blue koi. he was way more excited than he looks=)
the bump at 35 wks. the dress, though super cute, doesn't really show it off
here's little bit of a baby update for you:
cravings:
-watermelon. cold, with fresh squeezed lime and fresh cracked sea salt. exactly like that. i ate an entire watermelon by myself last week. no joke. i don't think there are any health benefits to watermelon, but it can't be bad for you, right?
-snow-cones. a cajun cone from abilene, texas. when i was a little girl in abilene, two of my friends' parents owned a snow cone shop. we'd go a few times during the week each summer. all of our friends would be there. to a 7 year old, it was heaven on earth. what i wouldn't do for one of those now in the village. (maybe come out of retirement and open one?! annalee let me know if they are looking to franchise...)
-fruit in general. i bought a groupon for door to door organics last week and a box of fresh, local, organic produce was delivered to my door today for only $17 today. yum-o. this is seriously one of the best deals i have ever gotten: avacados, mangos, peaches, pears, strawberries, oranges, grapefruits all for $17. i can't wait to enjoy all of them. and my watermelon.
dreams:
okay these have gotten just down-right weird. i've had weird dreams all of pregnancy, but the past few weeks they have really stepped it up a notch.
i dreamed our neighbor's dale & buffy had a pet lion that would sneak into our backyard...
i dreamed we moved to san francisco to train for a marathon just to be ready for the hills...
i dreamed i was going to give birth in a "shared" room (shaped like an octagon)- shared with kiddos from my school that is...
i dreamed campbell had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. if you've seen us you know that's not likely....
this is my favorite:
i dreamed i got pulled over for driving 135 miles per hour. without a shirt on. don't know why i didn't have my top covered - i had just been at the truck stop buying new clothes. the officer threatened to call my husband to tell on me and i begged him not to. i was afraid i'd get in trouble...(?!?)
Mat is definitely entertained when i tell him what my dreams are each morning.
emotions:
oh boy. the tears. the attitude. i never know which its going to be or what i might say to someone. (brooke - please tell adam i really am sorry for snapping at him on saturday) am i going to cry or snap back at you? not quite sure. mat has told me that i cry every time a bird flies over our house. he's not too far off...pretty much everything will bring me to tears right now. even a green day song ....
oh right, the baby:
we had our weekly bio-physical today. little lady was squirming all over the place. the tech kept commenting on how good her breathing motion is. she seriously has dance parties like they are going out of style. she got another 8 / 8. they are watching her amniotic fluid closely as it is on the low end of normal. normal is 6-20 and she is 9. so no biggie, just something to pay attention to. as of last week, she weighed 3lb 11oz. i am really hoping that has increased as that is a tad small. we'll have another growth scan in a few weeks and they will measure my belly again tomorrow to see if it's grown at all. oh! and she is still head down - apparently my headstands worked.
so that's about it. rest, rest, rest. eat, eat, eat.
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