Hurricane Point

This same weekend last year I was in the midst of marathon training. To be exact, I was knee-deep-in-snow marathon training. We were training for the Big Sur marathon and had to run an 18 miler on a snowy morning. Well, it was most definitely the worst run of my entire life. When I say I was knee deep in snow - I was RUNNING knee deep in snow. There were tears, curses, soggy socks, frozen fingers and an injured IT band. Brutal. I still get shivers thinking about it. As icky as that run was, I miss my running days. There is something about those early mornings where my mind would cleanse itself and my heart would pour itself out. While I was running I would frequently think about how life parallels running. We sprint, we run up hills - sometimes steep ones, we go for leisurely runs, we go for long runs, sometimes we are on runs where we just grit our teeth and get through it... you name it, running parallels life. The other night, I couldn't sleep as I dreaded facing 15 more weeks of an uncertain pregnancy - it hit me. My same perspective I frequently had while running, I didn't have while living. I started to apply our current life circumstances to a marathon- our last one in fact, Big Sur. For those of you who aren't familiar with the course, there is a 2 mile hill (yes 2 miles UP HILL) that occurs directly half-way through the race - Hurricane Point. Now first and foremost - it is the most beautiful course I have ever laid eyes on - 26.2 miles along the Pacific Ocean.  But  seriously - 2 miles up hill is 2 miles up hill. There's no real way to prepare for that around here. You just do it. So back to not sleeping - it hit me like a ton of bricks that this "bump" in the road of pregnancy is similar to Hurricane Point: a challenging portion of the course - half-way through the event that will get the best of you if you let it. In order to get myself up that hill, I had to muster up all my determination, look over my shoulder at the amazing Pacific, distract myself with sheer utter beauty and not let that crazy hill over take me. We got up and over hurricane point and every other hill (and there were SEVERAL - FYI it is known as one of the most difficult marathon courses) that day. But I couldn't think of the entirety of the course. I had to run aide station to aide station. Whenever I thought of the entire course, I wanted to give up - but I knew I could make it to the next aide station. So that's what my pregnancy has become - one small goal after another. My goal right now is 28 weeks. 28 weeks means my baby shower, means my mom being here for a week, means 3rd trimester, means spring break. Most importantly - it will happen in March. I am so done with February (winter) and so incredibly ready for March (spring) -- at least that's how I see it in my book.

At the top of Hurricane Point (isn't it gorgeous!!?)

My pregnancy is my new marathon. One aide station at a time.

Along with my new perspective came the reminder of working on my Hope Project. I had kind of let this slide by the way side. Let's be honest. My mom is the REAL domestic diva. I simply take my directions from her  - and since she and her sewing machine aren't here, there's not much I can do, right? Well today I got a little crafty. Yep. The girl the didn't own a glue gun until today went all artsy crafty and I decided to crackle the letters of Campbell's name for the wall in her nursery. I'll give you a little sneak peek now- but I am getting pretty excited for the finished product. (Oh and FYI - crackling really is about the easiest thing you can do - and it looks so cool when it's done!) I can't wait to get these displayed!!

So here's to the downhill of Hurricane Point, to March, to 28 weeks and to crackling=)
Adios February!
                                    

26 weeks! Oh and just in case you can't tell from the side view. I am wearing an OSU shirt. Why? you ask. (I'm so glad you asked.) Well just in case you didn't watch any TV whatsoever yesterday - they defeated the #1 team in the basketball nation.  The Kansas Jayhawks. Yes - I am also a Jayhawk fan, but my blood bleeds orange (And apparently so does Campbell's  - she is definitely her mama's girl - she was kicking something fierce yesterday!)

Out of nowhere...

The past few days have been some of "those days".  I was really hoping the transition back to work would help to be a distraction that makes time flow faster. I came into the week relaxed and refreshed from a great weekend hanging out with girlfriends. But it seems this week has thrown me more in the face of our loss. I find myself on the brink of tears several times throughout the day. I feel like I am at a heightened level of stress & anxiety. Overall I feel completely & utterly exhausted. I know its a combination of getting back in the swing of things at work and gearing up for state testing next week as well as still dealing with a grieving heart. My coworkers have been amazing. Hugs, encouragement, freedom to cry when I need to. They even hired a sub for me to use this week in my transition back. I am truly blessed to work with the people that I do. The kids have had kind of a hard time with it. I know that kids lack the mental filters that most of us adults have and use. My co-teachers worked with my students to give them a kid's understanding of what had happened so as to eliminate as many questions/comments as possible. Before I lost Parker, I would literally face 40 questions a day from not only my students - but students in the hallway or my bus line about my "babies". Kids are fascinated by pregnancy - all the more so by 2 babies in 1 stomach. I absolutely dreaded coming back to their questions. Some of my friends knew this and filled the kiddos in. And honestly, no matter how much "debriefing" they could have done wouldn't take away all the comments. Nevertheless, their curious, filter-less minds got the better of them this week and I had lots of painful comments / questions. I had 2 kiddos get in a fight in front of me about not "asking about Mrs. Good's dead baby. It'll make her cry". I had two others explaining to other students what would happen to Parker's body later on - in detail. I had another announce to her class as she passed me in the hall that I just lost a baby. Ouch. I know, I know, they don't get it. They are kids and they mean no harm - it's how they process information. But oh my goodness how it hurt  - it was literally torture to a broken heart. It got better towards the end of the week, but I feel like I never know when a comment will be made - that I always have to be on the defense.

For whatever reason, this week as I drove to work, every time I looked up at the sky I thought of Parker and a baby I would never get to watch grow - up. A baby that I will always know  how she looked, but never get to hear cry, laugh or say "mama". A baby that won't go with her sister to the first day of jr. high, that won't learn to drive a car, that won't go to college, that won't get married. I have these two twin girls at school, that every time I work with them,  my heart aches and have to do everything I can to hold back tears. The way they are best friends and look out for each other. I hurt for Campbell that she will miss out on that - that she is being cheated of that.  I have this fear that people will forget about Parker. It seems that everyone wants to know and ask about Campbell - which I love and appreciate and understand, but no one asks about Parker. I also understand this - I am sure I wouldn't ask about her either - it's not like there is an update to give.  I am sure it is to not upset me, but I carry this fear that people won't remember her. My feelings are such a balancing act right now that I don't even know what will make me cry or not  - so I can't expect others to navigate those feelings.

In lighter news, we officially changed OBs and I absolutely love him. He makes you feel optimistic and comfortable, never rushed or like you are a bother. We feel so blessed to have him on our side. My favorite part is that after each exam, he takes you into a consult room to further discuss everything. (ladies we all know it is much easier to think of all those questions when you are fully dressed) Yesterday I had a little bit of  a scare and he had me come right in, get an US and check things out. Everything was fine - I am obviously hyper-sensitive now to what's going on in my body. It was painful to see little Parker in there, but oh so sweet to see Campbell give us a big yawn. Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks. I am feeling much stronger & more frequent kicks - which I absolutely treasure. Hopefully this weekend, I will get around to taking a 26 week preggo pic and posting it. I'm also hoping to get to work on rearranging our furniture to make room for miss campbell. (by I, I mean Mat. I will be doing the directing)

Vacation.... like I've never wanted before

Don't know if its this never ending winter with arctic temps or life's current circumstances...but I want to go on vacation like never before. It is all I can think about. I'm completely obsessed. There are a few requirements:

-beautiful beach

-warm weather

-lots of cute sun dresses that i can FIT into

-on that note... my pre-baby body back in place

-Baby Hope there with us (don't judge me...Yes I want to go and yes I want to take her)

Come on people, I'm not asking for much.

I tried to talk Mat into taking one as soon as Baby Hope gets here - yes with her. If we are going to be tired with a newborn, might as well be tired in tropical paradise, right? I was informed that it's not a great idea to take newborns on a vacation (something to do with ears and schedules...) I tried really hard to prove him wrong, even eliciting advice from a pediatrician friend, but it didn't work (thanks a lot Beth...)

So for the next 3 months that the dr. won't allow me to leave PV and the following 4- 6 that I can't take an infant with me to an amazingly incredible beach...

here is my pretend vacation:

A tropical destination.... (really any beach that is warm, beautiful and doesn't have vendors)

.

this is what I will be drinking (on the vacay, not in real life...yet)

or maybe this...

(*again no judging)

I'll be wearing cute outfits like this...

or this..

And I will be with my favorite person:

(honey - leave the north face at home... you won't need it, trust me...)

So here's to my tropical vacation while I sit in my cozy home in PV waiting for winter to come to an end... If I keep thinking warm thoughts, it will warm up outside, right?

Until then, feel free to pass on any tips on wonderful vacation spots. We ARE going on one next fall...He already promised me that!

2 week update: baby hope

We went back to our perinatologist today for our 2 week check. Overall, things look very good. It was nice to have an ultrasound with no surprises - unlike the last two. Baby Hope has grown the right amount and is approximately 1 lb 3 oz which is right on track for 24 weeks. She was dancing all around and had a strong heartbeat. Everything looks good so far. He said that basically each day we get further from Parker's death, Campbell's chances of survival increase. The blood flow between the two has stopped which is a good thing. He reiterated that it is still a day to day process.

Specifically our risks are:

1) Any blood clots that could have gone into Campbell during the transfusion and then possibly could have traveled to her brain. (We won't know until she gets here if that happened- what's done is done and we can't do anything about it now if it happened.) These could lead to neurological complications like CP after birth. No huge clots were seen on the scan, but he said they would have to be pretty massive to show up. The chance of this is about 20%. Basically - we'll cross that bridge if we come to it...

2) Still a chance of randomly loosing her. Again - each day further from Parker's death, Baby Hope's chances increase (as a mom, it HURTS me to type that)

3) Preterm labor. Always a risk in any pregnancy. We are at a higher risk, but not drastically at this point. Still might have to take her early though if problems arise. We are getting closer to the 25 week mark, which is a very good thing if that has to happen.

Overall, we felt very good about the appointment. Dr R explained things very clearly to us and answered all of our questions. We are basically at a day to day place for the rest of the pregnancy. He wouldn't answer any long term questions mapping out the rest of pregnancy for me. Being a day to day situation, you just can't do that. So he said we will map it out "appointment to appointment". Type A Bethany wants to know all the details as to what each & every day would look like and if I can count on a 40 week pregnancy now or not (Come on now, I've got nursery plans to make!). The only thing he said is they would NOT let me go past my due date. (That's good, I guess?!)

Tomorrow we go to see a high risk OB. We are in the process of changing OBs to one who handles high risk patients. This guy knows my father-in-law which is an added bonus. We can't blame our OB for what happened, but it hurts me to know that we never had a chance to save Parker. I am dealing with so much guilt for this. Rationally, I know it isn't my "fault". Emotionally, as a mom, I am supposed to protect my babies, and I didn't protect her. Had our office offered first trimester ultrasounds, we would have had a chance. Had our 20 week ultrasound been read correctly, we would have had a chance. Not to say she would have made it - but we could have had a chance. Ultimately, what happened - happened and it won't bring Parker back. What we CAN control is the care that Baby Hope will get the rest of this pregnancy and we will do everything in our power to get her the very best care possible.

So here we are. The first 20 weeks flew by and were so EASY. I ate what I wanted, still ran & lifted, overall - felt great. I remember thinking - "Pregnancy is GREAT! I think as soon as this baby is born I'll be ready to get pregnant again. Maybe pop out 2 or 3 more right after another" NOW this pregnancy is crazy slow. The past two weeks have drug by and looking down the road looks like FOREVER away. June sounds like an eternity away. Honestly thinking about getting pregnant again scares the crud out of me. I know we will eventually - but still... Gone are the worries about stretch marks, hemroids (still don't want those... but it's not a top concern), too much weight gain in non-belly bump places, maintaining my running, etc. Here are the days of wondering if Baby Hope is still with us, still thriving in my belly; wondering if she is growing up to speed, if her blood is still pumping in the right direction. I have a deep down peace that passes ALL understanding that it will be all right - but the question of "Is she okay?" still goes through my head a thousand times a day. Each kick puts a huge smile on my face. It's like she is saying, "HELLO!! I'm coming out so you better get this party started!!!" (I know I know - I'm not even a fan of Pink, but this song came on the radio the other day and I heard it in a whole new way...)

24 wks

So I am CHOOSING joy in this pregnancy. At a place where fear could easily overtake me and at times does - I am choosing to find joy where I can. Here a few fun facts about baby hope:

-She loves Yoga. I did a little prenatal yoga today and she was kicking like crazy.

-She loves strawberries - again kicking like crazy.

-She's not a big fan of the winter olympics - she's slept through most of them so far.

-Our pug Dirvey loves her. She curls herself up right against where she is in my stomach and just hangs out there beside her. (Dirvs might feel differently once she gets here and she loses all my attention...)

-She is the proud owner of a BOB jogging stroller and a carseat - they are just hanging out, ready to take her fun places as soon as she gets here.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts and encouragement. Each and every comment has a special place in my heart. We have been blessed beyond words during this whole situation and continue to see God's hand guiding us a day at a time.

A friend of mine sent me this poem and I absolutely fell in love with it, specifically the first stanza:

Hope
Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Happy V-day to this guy...

i am pretty sure had we known each other in 1988, we still would have been in love (despite the fact that i was 8 and he was 12). after all, he played baseball and i collected baseball cards and we both watched he-man. so it's pretty much a done deal. so many things i love about this guy... but i'll save you the cheesiness...

just a few pics of us throughout the past 6 years...

our first christmas ( we look SO young!)

wedding in mazatlan...

big sur - our first of many marathons together

happy valentines day to my favorite valentine! looking forward to a lifetime of

memories waiting to be made!

beauty from ashes

Don't read this title and think that I am already at that point. I'm not. This phrase has literally been bouncing around my head for days. I knew it was somewhere in the Bible, but let's face it, my Bible Bowl days were long ago. It will just occur to me at the most random time. So finally this morning I sat down and googled it and found the scripture. It has obviously been bouncing around for a reason.

Isaiah 61:3

...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

I am so not there yet, I am not ready to see the beauty that will come from this or feel gladness or praise. I will be one day and I have peace in that promise. One day I will have perspective, but not today. One day I will see the beauty and feel gladness again, but not right now.

What hit me today was that everyone has a story in their life. The ashes we go through might be a chapter or two or maybe more. It's how the story ends that shows the beauty. I've had several conversations with friends in the past week that have all gone through different kinds of tragedies or heartbreak... stillborns, suicide, diagnoses of cancer, infertility... or life just not working out like they planned. I have also seen several demonstrations of these people taking these ashes and turning them into beauty. My prayer is to be able to finish our story that way. I know grief is a process and I feel like we are doing our best right now to get up and face each new day and the tears or struggles that accompany it. We are talking, we are sharing, we are crying, and we are holding on to each other. We laugh at silly things like our dogs and we make time to talk about our heartbreak of losing Parker. We also make time to celebrate Campbell and look forward to her precious life with us. We are slowly finding the balance between the two emotions: joy & heartbreak. We'll get there. I found myself yesterday trying to expedite the grief process. I feel like I have to have completely walked through it by the time Baby Hope gets here to not cheat her out of a stable mom. It was like, if I can check these things off my list, or distract myself long enough the pain will go away. I keep thinking, "If I wait long enough, I will wake up and this nightmare will be over." The pain might go away for a little bit, but then it hits me like a slap in the face and I find that I am not any better than I had hoped. I'm learning to take one day at a time - hoping for a good day, but perservering none the less. I'm learning to appreciate the grieving process and not rush it. I don' t have to be smiley happy Bethany. I can be myself, even if it means crying in front of others. We have to go through the ashes to get to the beauty. I just keep in mind that we don't LIVE in the ashes. I will not let us dwell in sadness. There is beauty to be found.

pearl music

A friend of mine sent this blog to me last night. Please take time and read it. It's a mom who is a few weeks further along in her pregnancy and experiencing a very difficult pregnancy. While her pregnancy is completely different from mine, I can relate to some of her feelings and immediately was filled with compassion and admiration for her. Something I have learned during this pregnancy is that just as no two pregnancies are alike, no two losses are alike. While it would be silly for me to tell a mother who lost her daughter to cancer that I know how she feels, it would be silly for me to compare my situation to what the mama in this blog is facing. (I've learned that I will never tell a mom who loses a baby that I "understand". I don't. I can't. My loss/situation is completely different just as their's is/was and saying I "understand" doesn't make them feel any better. And a simple "Been there, done that" mentality doesn't help.) Okay, let me get down from my soapbox now...

Please take a moment to read her blog and say a quick prayer for her and her family. She is demonstrating some pretty amazing strength...strength that is serving as an inspiration to me today. She is believing in a miracle in the most dire of diagnosis.

http://pearlmusic.wordpress.com/

Not much to update around here. Just plugging along and taking everything one day at a time. Baby Hope's heart rate is almost always around 150 when I check it (which I do several times a day). I have started getting some pretty powerful little kicks around 5 in the morning. I think she (as well as here mama) is missing her early morning runs=) I had a phone appointment with my OB yesterday - Dr. N -(who was out of town all last week). I didn't really learn anything new - just some more of the same. She basically called to tell me how deeply sorry and shocked she was and that this was the first topic at their staff meeting Monday morning (hmmm...maybe that practice should change their no 1st trimester US rule? Just a thought....) We will know much more after our appointment with our perinatologist - Dr. R - next Monday. She said that she and Dr. R will be getting me on a very strict plan for the rest of pregnancy which would involve lots of appointments and scans. Bring it on - the more the merrier. And if all goes well and Baby Hope is growing accordingly I could very well make it full term. A girlfriend of mine joked yesterday that with all these prayers & my conversations with Baby Hope about "staying put" - she would probably be 2 weeks overdue=) Right now that sounds wonderful.

Please be praying that Baby Hope shows growth and that we get a favorable report on Monday Please also pray that her blood will continue to flow in the right direction. Mat will be with me at the appointment which will be good since Dr. R doesn't give you any fluff. He is cut and dry and gives you numbers. Which honestly is what we need. As stoic as his bedside manner is (and was at my appointment last Monday) We need a doctor who is the expert in this situation, being that it is a pretty rare situation. I just think my doctor-husband will be able to navigate that conversation better than his emotional wife=)

I continue to struggle with a lot of anger right now. While I firmly believe in anger in a loss, this isn't the time to dwell on that. I HAVE to be healthy and positive and strong for Baby Hope. She can feel my emotions and I have to figure out a different way to deal with that anger. The Mama Bear in me wants to rage on. But that's not the thing to do right now. I've already learned that what we might not want to do for ourselves, we will do for our children. While there are some mornings I would rather stay in bed all day or not get out of my pj's and sit and cry, I get up, get dressed and go for a little walk for Baby Hope. Because that's what she needs. I pray that this will get easier each day. Every day that little girl stays put inside me is a day for her to grow stronger and one less day in the NICU (which we are believing she won't have to be in) Mat and I honestly "feel" that she is going to be 100% okay. We just have that deep down peace that passes all understanding that a year from now we will be shaking our heads, thinking about all of this, while gazing at our perfect little girl.

We finalized on names for the girls this weekend. Baby A is Campbell Hope. (Still calling her Baby Hope in the meantime. I love that nickname) Baby B is Parker (still working on her middle name). I had always referred to them as "my sweet baby girls". We absolutely HATED the fact after this happened that we hadn't given Parker her name. I HATED calling her "Baby B" when I referred to the baby we lost. Cold. Impersonal. Sounded like an "add on". She has been and always will be so much more than that. She thrived in my belly for 22 weeks. She will always be a child to me, not a medical term. We have some tough decisions and conversations ahead about sweet little Parker. As I am sure some of you may have wondered, she is still with us, physically. She will be with us until delivery. For right now, this brings me comfort, knowing that she is with her sweet sister, the one who knew her longer that anyone else. I take comfort in the fact that they are inside me and I can still call them my sweet baby girls. I'm sorry if that's too much info for you or if it weirds you out. (but then again, this is my blog and my therapy session) At times, I fear people will be weirded out when they look at me and realize that she is with us. But in reality, I don't care. She is my baby. And life, no matter how short is a beautiful thing. Since I look obviously pregnant and have been getting lots of comments & questions from strangers and acquaintances alike, I find that I absolutely dread them. It had become so easy to say, "we are expecting twin girls!" and gush and goo about two of everything. Now I have to mentally make sure I don't say that. I choke back tears as they ask and give them my biggest smile and talk about how excited I am for my baby girl to be born. After all, a stranger at hen house doesn't need to hear all the details.

I'm off with a dear friend to register for Baby Hope, knowing she will need a nursery full of baby stuff! (then home to get my feet up, and follow my doctor's orders!)

my little Hope project

(**Disclaimer: I have never blogged so much in my life. If my posts are becoming annoying to you, feel free to skip them. This has become my new form of therapy.)

It's almost comical to me to sit here and think about what I was doing this time last Saturday. Last weekend we were in the mountains with some of our best friends, DJ & Amy. We had a wonderful weekend of talking, relaxing, eating (me), drinking fantastic wine (not me), sleeping (me again), skiing (the boys) & shopping (the girls).

My biggest decision last Saturday afternoon while shopping was whether to purchase the yellow Coach diaper bag or the pink Coach diaper bag. It really had me perplexed. I chatted with the girls about it, grilled a mom about it and even called 2 of my best friends. I finally settled on the yellow for two reasons. 1) With hauling around twins, Mat would definitely be carrying the diaper bag at times and the less pink the better. 2) We were surprised once at an ultrasound - I could see it happening again and us having a BOY and a GIRL. So yellow it was and off I went with my adorable little purchase - eager to fill it with 2 of everything.

What difference a week makes.

So here I am 1 week since then. We came home rested and renewed with wonderful memories of our happy little vacation. We were pumped for our appointment on Monday to get to see our sweet babies again. God knew we were in for a whirlwind of a week and He planned everything accordingly. Well you know the rest from there. In light of everything that has gone down this week, I decided I needed a plan, a project or sorts that would fit under my doctor's order of care: being moderately active, no stress and lots of rest. Thus begins My little Hope project. This is the way I am putting my faith in action. My Hope in action. In believing that in a few short months I am going to have a sweet little baby to take care of, I am getting her nursery ready. My mom and I went out this week to purchase the material - a task I was dreading. Right after we found out we were expecting, I went and found what I wanted and brought home samples of the fabric to show Mat. While out shopping, I ran into a lady who was so excited about me having twins - then just HAD to share with me her bitter story of losing one of them tragically. I don't really remember the details - I tried to block them. But she talked about how her 18 year old daughter still talks about her "dead twin sister" (her words, not mine) I was immediately haunted and terrified that this would happen tome. (WHY OH WHY do people think they need to share horror stories with pregnant ladies?!! I've already heard more stories than I need to hear! Do I know they happen? YES! Have I had friends walk down those horrible paths? YES! Am I currently walking down that path myself? YES - KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PEOPLE!!! Only tell pregnant ladies how great they look and how happy you are for them. period.) Anyways...So yes - the wacko fabric lady. Needless to say, I was dreading going to buy the fabric because of the memory associated with it. Anyways - It was fine. My mom went with me and we got it all picked out. It's a beautiful mixture of robyn's egg blue, buttercup yellow, bright pink, apple green & brown. And there are polka dots, stripes, flowers galore. I went a little nuts and my mom finally talked me out of the brown & white zebra stripe - just a little too busy (but I am sure I can sneak that in somewhere...)

This morning before she left she walked me through cutting out the material. For those of you who know my mom - she is quite the domestic diva. I, on the other hand, am not. She can make anything - from scratch, without a pattern. She could probably make the fabric if she wanted to. She tried for years to teach me to sew and it never got very far. I usually got frustrated and wandered off to go do something else.

So this is my Hope Project. I need something to fill my mind and my time right now. I want to actively be doing something for my babies. Both of them. One who will forever be in our hearts, one who will forever be with us physically. My thoughts are all over the place. I feel like my brain is in super ADD mode and bounces back and forth between sadness, anger, frustration to hope, joy and belief that all will be okay. I don't feel like I can fully mourn the loss of one of my babies or fully rejoice in the life of the other - without cheating the other baby. I hurt so deeply emotionally that it hurts physically. I go from being so incredibly angry one moment to a feeling of peace the next. I look forward to the birth now with a bittersweet feeling as it will hold a major transition for us. (and fyi: the thoughts I share on the blog are totally sensored. They are real and raw, but I have a whole slew of them racing around that are way too intimate to share - those go in my journal) They are just something I need to sort through and I know it will take awhile. So in the meantime as I work through this roller coaster, my Hope project to honor both of my sweet babies.

Sweet little Hope, I've listened to your precious heartbeat about 15 times since I got the doppler in the mail yesterday. A steady 150. Nice work. You woke me up with your powerful little kicks this morning nice and early & I loved every moment of it. You must be an early bird just like your mama. Your nursery is going to match your zest for life little lady so get ready=) (I just hope all the busy prints I picked out don't make your cross-eyed)

Lessons from this week...

So yes, it's been a long week. More than a long week. There are a few choice words I would use to describe this week. But I will refrain - at least on my blog. I've learned a lot this week. By far I've learned way more about twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome than I have ever wanted to know. But I've learned some other important stuff too:

1. The fragility of life. This is more like the theme for this week.

2. Boost protein shakes aren't that bad. In fact they are pretty good. I'm thinking I could incorporate these into my green smoothies in the morning...

3. My brother is a pretty poor packer. (He drove in from Denver to surprise us in his scrubs and cowboy boots. My brother didn't bring anything else except another pair of scrubs (stolen...errr...borrowed from the hospital) and his pager. Oh Marshall. I love you. Going back to Denver he got pulled over by a cop and had quite a lot of explaining to do as to why he was in the middle of nowhere ....in winter ... with only scrubs and cowboy boots.)

4. Life can change in one gut-wrenching, stomach lurching, knee-buckeling, heart-breaking moment (as so many of you have shared with me from your own personal experiences). We don't go looking for grief and heartache. It finds us. It's our reaction to it that matters.

5. HOPE. Hope does not disappoint us.

6. There is nothing like a good laugh in the midst of sadness. See #3.

7. How to make $200 brownies. Thanks C - We will definitely be eating some of these soon - looks like the perfect comfort food.

8. Dogs know just when you need them the most. We have had two sweet little dogs at our side or on our laps all week long.

9. Last but not least - the love and support of our wonderful family & friends. We have been blown away by the support this week. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it 10,000 more times, but Thank You. We always knew we had awesome friends & family, but we truly have experienced it first hand this week.

A little bit of an update:

Yesterday my mom and I went back to the doctor for another fetal heart check. Little A is doing well. So far so good. We had the most fantastic nurse who gave me a huge hug, let me do some crying and then gave me her direct extension and orders to call her anytime I need ANYTHING and not mess around with any other nurses. Some of you know that our experience with our OB's practice has been hit and miss. This definitely made up for it. Anyways - nice, strong, healthy heart beat, lots of moving - which she informed us were very good signs. She is definitely a little fighter. We should be getting our Doppler in the mail today and the frequent heart monitoring will begin. I hit 23 weeks tomorrow. So we've got 2 more weeks to go... well more like 15 or so, but 2 weeks until we are in a better place.

My mom has been here all week and been amazing. From distracting me with other things, letting me just sit and cry, hugging me, cleaning our house, running to the grocery store, making yummy food - it has been a blessing to have her here with us.

I've hit an angry stage. I woke up this morning feeling cheated and pissed. I am working hard on turning that around - though I am sure it is a natural feeling and there is probably a healthy side to that. I am so freaking sad that I feel like I am constantly on the brink of tears. There are times I would like to blame my OB who doesn't do ultrasounds first trimester. Or the fact that when she read my US 3 weeks ago today, she told me I wasn't at risk for ttts and in fact, not much risk at all. Or the lady at her office who lost my file and scheduled me later with the perinatologist. Or get mad at the perinatologist for the way he broke the news to me. But all in all - it's no ones' fault. It's what happened, whether I like it or not and the blame game doesn't solve anything except turning me into a bitter person. Our virtual OB (okay she is our friend more than that, but I like saying Virtual OB it makes her sound like an avatar- hope that's ok Jenny:)) sent me this quote from Lord of the Rings. (I admit I am the only person out there who hasn't watched, it, but I LOVE this quote.) There is a line in the movie where Frodo says he wished none of this had ever happened to him (he wished the ring had never come to him). Gandolf tells him calmly,

"so wish all who see such times. But is not for us to decide. All we can do is decide how we live with what has been given to us"

As much as I wish right now that God was a puppet or a fairy-godmother - He's not. (seriously thank God he's not - this world would be a wreck if it operated like that) He's sovereign and in control and he has a plan for all of this - no matter what happens. Of course he didn't want us to lose Baby B and he doesn't want us lose Baby A - but no matter what happens, no matter how hard I pray, He has a bigger plan in place. And I have to trust that.

We've decided to change Baby A's name to Baby Hope. I don't know if we will end up naming her Hope or not, but in the meantime that's what we will call her. We have seen a resounding theme this week of HOPE. I have received emails this week with HOPE as the title. I have been given scriptures this week that focus on HOPE. Two of my best friends dreamed of little babies named HOPE. (Seriously I still have goosebumps about that one)

So for now - keep fighting away Baby Hope. Mama and Daddy are absolutely crazy about you and can't wait to watch you grow up.

Update

First and foremost I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who commented on the last blog. I had no idea so many people actually read it. There is no way I could personally contact each of you, but every single comment, brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Knowing that there are literally people all over the world praying for this teeny-tiny little person inside me right now is the most surreal feeling. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, words & scriptures.

Yesterday we had a follow-up with the OB. Ours is out of town, so we saw a different dr. who was fantastic. She squeezed us in between C-sections and gave us all the time in the world. Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome is incredibly rare. So rare in fact that she MIGHT see 1 case in 10 years. (We just keep blowing the odds - first twins, then identical, then ttts - geez. Well FYI we are going to keep blowing the odds when this little miracle is born) Since it is so incredibly rare, questions are hard to answer and best left up to our perinatologist. Anyways. Through her help and the help of our fabulous "virtual" OB & family friend Jenny Keller in Vermont, we have learned that if we can make it to 25 weeks her chances drastically go up. (25 weeks for a singleton is more like 23-24 for a twin - so ideal would be 26-27.) At that point she has approximately 80% chance of survival if we can get steroids going and all goes well after she is born. Of course, if she isn't ready to come out yet - then we want her to stay nice and cozy inside me. I will be going in every other week for a special ultrasound at the perinatologist in which they measure the direction of the blood flow through her heart. If it goes in the right direction, fantastic. If not, we start steroid therapy immediately and I will be induced. We are very blessed that the hospital I was planning on delivering at has the best NICU around- so if we end up needing to use it, it's the best place for her. The unfortunate thing is that I could lose her in the next few weeks and not have any of the typical signs of losing a baby, so my doctor has offered for me to come in for daily fetal heart rate checks if I want. We went a step BEYOND that and just rented the silly machine so I can do it 10 times a day if I want. The doctor has me at home for the next 2 weeks, but not on bed rest. We need blood flow to be happening for her to have her best chances at life, so I am supposed to go on short walks (yeah a year ago I was training like crazy to run the big Sur Marathon. Now I get to walk to the corner and back - funny how life changes) and be moderately active while getting extra rest & tons of hydration (no exercise, no lifting, no cleaning, no added stress) but being completely sedintary hurts her chances. Mat has been doing some research and found out about a therapy that could be optional at this point. So he will be doing a follow-up with our perinatologist today to discuss pursuing that. Unfortunately, he couldn't be with me on Monday at the perinatologist's visit. We had no reason to think anything was wrong and he can only get off for so many appointments and have any type of paternity leave left over - so he wasn't there to ask the right questions and I was too emotional to do so. I always joked with him about his role was as my husband not as my doctor. Now I am so glad to have him as both.

As far as complications after birth, we aren't even going there right now. We are obviously going to love this baby no matter what. That clearly goes without saying. We will cross any and all bridges at the time they arise. As any parent would, we are praying for her to be 100% healthy and strong. We are believing that she will have a mighty story to tell one day. The important thing is to focus on Baby A and staying strong and optimistic for her. One of the biggest things both our virtual OB and our doctor have said is to stay positive - it really does make a difference for the baby. Night before last I dreamed that I was feeding a beautiful baby girl with blond curls. I am choosing to believe that dream will become very real soon. (For some reason she was in dorky clothes and I was feeding her cocoa-puffs, but whatever, she was ours and with US)

Mat and I have been so incredibly touched over the past few days. While we find ourselves tearing up randomly as we think about losing Baby B, we are overwhelmed at the kindness of our friends and family. Honestly, I can't really going into the pain of losing Baby B right now on a blog. At times I find myself not being able to breathe as I try to take it all in. As so many who have experienced the devastating pain of loosing a baby have expressed, it is too intimate for words - at least right now for me it is. That time will come and I am sure I will share parts of it. Right now the experience has to do with the dichotomy of losing one baby while fervently fighting for the life of another.

Currently our house is engulfed in a garden of beautiful flowers from friends and family. We had an incredibly yummy dinner brought in by one of my best friends last night. My parents drove up from Oklahoma. My brother drove in from DENVER and shocked the pants off me - and of course made me start crying, again. 3 of my best friends in Oklahoma have vowed to drive up at a moments notice if need be. We've had phone calls, emails, texts, voicemails and we are feeling so incredibly loved and supported. We've heard about churches and small groups all over the world - literally - praying for our little girl. Through all of this, we are learning to let go and let God. (I know, I know, I sound like a cheesy sign at church, but that is truly what the control freak in me is learning right now) There is nothing we can do except pray and stay positive. At church we've been talking a lot about how Jesus alone is enough. I woke up thinking about that this morning - no matter what may happen, we have Jesus. This promise calms me in the scary times when I start to think, "what if..." His love has been made so incredibly real to us over the past day and half that it just makes me weepy.

Through devastation and heart break we have felt so much love and hope. A dear friend of mine shared this scripture with me yesterday:

When you pass through the waters I will be with you,

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, The Holy One of Israel,

your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 2-3

I've always intended not to get "preachy" on my blog, but this scripture filled me with peace yesterday. Thank you to all of you - you have touched us beyond words.

news

It's 3:36 am and my mind won't stop racing. We found out yesterday afternoon at our ultrasound with the perinatologist that we lost one of the twins. It was absolutely devastating news. It's a whole other story, that I can't go into right now. It looks like the girls were identical twins and suffered from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome in which one baby gets more of the nutrients than the other. Having identical twins is pretty rare, unfortunately, having this icky disease is not. The highest time of risk is between 16 and 24 weeks. We were originally told that our babies didn't fall into this category and that it wasn't anything to worry about. Clearly the events at yesterday's appointment were completely off our radar.

We are crushed to say the least. While we rejoice in the life of our other baby (Baby A), we morn for the one we lost (Baby B). (** Please not that the names A & B have nothing to do with the events, it is simply what they doctor's call them based on their position inside my uterus) I have so many questions and feelings whirling around in my brain, I don't even know where to start with that. The past 2 1/2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions. We are just kind of a big fat mess right now, not knowing which way to think or feel at times. Confusion. Hurt. Sadness. Questions. Concern.

While I could write on and on trying to clear my head, I need to ask you - whoever you are reading our blog- to stand in prayer for Baby A. It seems that Baby A is now at an increased risk of not surviving. She is also at an even more increased risk of developing neurological complications or cerebral palsy. The next 2 1/2 weeks are critical. I don't think there will be a time in the pregnancy where we will be "out of the woods" from what I understand. Some of the complications might not appear until after she is born. It's a wait and see type game where there isn't a whole lot we can do - other than pray. Mat and I firmly believe in the power of prayer and ask you to pray specifically for the following things:

-Pray for the strength of this little girl, Baby A. She is quite a little fighter.

-Pray for her continual development, both physically and mentally.

-Pray for the doctor's that we will be seeing over the next few weeks.

-Pray for us to have insight and wisdom as to do what is best for her.

The verse I am focusing on and praying over Baby A right now is:

"May the God of Hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

We firmly believe that God won't give us more than we can handle- whatever that may be. We are staying positive and sending lots of love and positive energy to this little girl. We ask you to do the same. We need to hear positive stories right now, success stories.

We have already been touched with so many kind words, phone calls, texts, e-mails, offers of food, prayer support etc. My family is on their way into town and we know without a doubt that we aren't going through this alone.