(**Disclaimer: I have never blogged so much in my life. If my posts are becoming annoying to you, feel free to skip them. This has become my new form of therapy.)
It's almost comical to me to sit here and think about what I was doing this time last Saturday. Last weekend we were in the mountains with some of our best friends, DJ & Amy. We had a wonderful weekend of talking, relaxing, eating (me), drinking fantastic wine (not me), sleeping (me again), skiing (the boys) & shopping (the girls).
My biggest decision last Saturday afternoon while shopping was whether to purchase the yellow Coach diaper bag or the pink Coach diaper bag. It really had me perplexed. I chatted with the girls about it, grilled a mom about it and even called 2 of my best friends. I finally settled on the yellow for two reasons. 1) With hauling around twins, Mat would definitely be carrying the diaper bag at times and the less pink the better. 2) We were surprised once at an ultrasound - I could see it happening again and us having a BOY and a GIRL. So yellow it was and off I went with my adorable little purchase - eager to fill it with 2 of everything.
What difference a week makes.
So here I am 1 week since then. We came home rested and renewed with wonderful memories of our happy little vacation. We were pumped for our appointment on Monday to get to see our sweet babies again. God knew we were in for a whirlwind of a week and He planned everything accordingly. Well you know the rest from there. In light of everything that has gone down this week, I decided I needed a plan, a project or sorts that would fit under my doctor's order of care: being moderately active, no stress and lots of rest. Thus begins My little Hope project. This is the way I am putting my faith in action. My Hope in action. In believing that in a few short months I am going to have a sweet little baby to take care of, I am getting her nursery ready. My mom and I went out this week to purchase the material - a task I was dreading. Right after we found out we were expecting, I went and found what I wanted and brought home samples of the fabric to show Mat. While out shopping, I ran into a lady who was so excited about me having twins - then just HAD to share with me her bitter story of losing one of them tragically. I don't really remember the details - I tried to block them. But she talked about how her 18 year old daughter still talks about her "dead twin sister" (her words, not mine) I was immediately haunted and terrified that this would happen tome. (WHY OH WHY do people think they need to share horror stories with pregnant ladies?!! I've already heard more stories than I need to hear! Do I know they happen? YES! Have I had friends walk down those horrible paths? YES! Am I currently walking down that path myself? YES - KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PEOPLE!!! Only tell pregnant ladies how great they look and how happy you are for them. period.) Anyways...So yes - the wacko fabric lady. Needless to say, I was dreading going to buy the fabric because of the memory associated with it. Anyways - It was fine. My mom went with me and we got it all picked out. It's a beautiful mixture of robyn's egg blue, buttercup yellow, bright pink, apple green & brown. And there are polka dots, stripes, flowers galore. I went a little nuts and my mom finally talked me out of the brown & white zebra stripe - just a little too busy (but I am sure I can sneak that in somewhere...)
This morning before she left she walked me through cutting out the material. For those of you who know my mom - she is quite the domestic diva. I, on the other hand, am not. She can make anything - from scratch, without a pattern. She could probably make the fabric if she wanted to. She tried for years to teach me to sew and it never got very far. I usually got frustrated and wandered off to go do something else.
So this is my Hope Project. I need something to fill my mind and my time right now. I want to actively be doing something for my babies. Both of them. One who will forever be in our hearts, one who will forever be with us physically. My thoughts are all over the place. I feel like my brain is in super ADD mode and bounces back and forth between sadness, anger, frustration to hope, joy and belief that all will be okay. I don't feel like I can fully mourn the loss of one of my babies or fully rejoice in the life of the other - without cheating the other baby. I hurt so deeply emotionally that it hurts physically. I go from being so incredibly angry one moment to a feeling of peace the next. I look forward to the birth now with a bittersweet feeling as it will hold a major transition for us. (and fyi: the thoughts I share on the blog are totally sensored. They are real and raw, but I have a whole slew of them racing around that are way too intimate to share - those go in my journal) They are just something I need to sort through and I know it will take awhile. So in the meantime as I work through this roller coaster, my Hope project to honor both of my sweet babies.
Sweet little Hope, I've listened to your precious heartbeat about 15 times since I got the doppler in the mail yesterday. A steady 150. Nice work. You woke me up with your powerful little kicks this morning nice and early & I loved every moment of it. You must be an early bird just like your mama. Your nursery is going to match your zest for life little lady so get ready=) (I just hope all the busy prints I picked out don't make your cross-eyed)
