Isaiah 61:3
...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
I am so not there yet, I am not ready to see the beauty that will come from this or feel gladness or praise. I will be one day and I have peace in that promise. One day I will have perspective, but not today. One day I will see the beauty and feel gladness again, but not right now.
What hit me today was that everyone has a story in their life. The ashes we go through might be a chapter or two or maybe more. It's how the story ends that shows the beauty. I've had several conversations with friends in the past week that have all gone through different kinds of tragedies or heartbreak... stillborns, suicide, diagnoses of cancer, infertility... or life just not working out like they planned. I have also seen several demonstrations of these people taking these ashes and turning them into beauty. My prayer is to be able to finish our story that way. I know grief is a process and I feel like we are doing our best right now to get up and face each new day and the tears or struggles that accompany it. We are talking, we are sharing, we are crying, and we are holding on to each other. We laugh at silly things like our dogs and we make time to talk about our heartbreak of losing Parker. We also make time to celebrate Campbell and look forward to her precious life with us. We are slowly finding the balance between the two emotions: joy & heartbreak. We'll get there. I found myself yesterday trying to expedite the grief process. I feel like I have to have completely walked through it by the time Baby Hope gets here to not cheat her out of a stable mom. It was like, if I can check these things off my list, or distract myself long enough the pain will go away. I keep thinking, "If I wait long enough, I will wake up and this nightmare will be over." The pain might go away for a little bit, but then it hits me like a slap in the face and I find that I am not any better than I had hoped. I'm learning to take one day at a time - hoping for a good day, but perservering none the less. I'm learning to appreciate the grieving process and not rush it. I don' t have to be smiley happy Bethany. I can be myself, even if it means crying in front of others. We have to go through the ashes to get to the beauty. I just keep in mind that we don't LIVE in the ashes. I will not let us dwell in sadness. There is beauty to be found.
I loved our chat this morning and love how open you are about everything. Also, I failed to mention how fabulous those names are. Precious:)
ReplyDeleteWhile sitting here going through old paperwork, I came across this piece of paper with the story of the "Incredible Power of Hope" by Robert H. Schuller. I saw your story a while back and when I found this paper, I thought of you.
ReplyDelete"Several years ago I had the privilege of visiting Mother Theresa's "Home of the Dying" in Calcutta. When Mother Theresa saw people dying in the streets, she dragged their sick bodies into a deserted temple, which she had cleaned, and there she loved them until they passed away. "Every human being at least deserves to have somebody love them while they are dying," She said.
The home was overflowing with men in one section and women in another, but it smelled clean and sweet. One of the nurses told me, "it's interesting....we only take people here who are dying. But the amazing thing is, when they come here, they feel the love of Christ, receive HOPE and stop dying. We're going to have to change the name of this place from 'Home for the Dying' to 'Home of the Living."
"Find rest. O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." Psalm 62:5. Where there's hope, there's life!
(sorry this is so long, but I felt lead to share with you!)
Bethany....you touch my heart beyond belief. Your blog is amazing and so real. I am so glad that you are able to share so much with us. I hope that knowing that you're loved by so many helps you through each day.
ReplyDeleteI love your precious little girl's names. They are both as beautiful as they are...just like you, their mommy.
I read the blog you shared with us on a previous posting (not sure if it was yesterday or the day before) but it was gut wrenching and so sad but yet so amazing...her strength, as a mother, going through all that she is going through and still being able to put it into words and stay positive. What an inspiration to all! She made me cry... A LOT! I will pray for her and her family too as they walk done their path....that God give them time with their baby, to love, enjoy and raise him.
On your journey...you will find more people than you ever would have thought that are going or have gone through a similar situation to yours. It is so helpful to have people...people who can try to understand where you are at, and help you along in your journey. I know that no two situations (in anything in life) are the same but just knowings you aren't alone makes such a great difference. I know you're finding this out already.
You are all in my prayers,
Sheila
Bethany--I appreciated this post--very poignant. I have been thinking about you & praying for Baby Hope (and YOU)!! Thank you for sharing, even in your difficult times. I'm praying!!!
ReplyDeleteI am encouraged so much by you.
ReplyDeleteBethany, Ever sine you began referring to Baby Hope, I've had the first stanza of this poem in my mind. A few years ago in our NICU we had a baby with a middle name of Hope who had a very rough go of her first 9 months after being born. This poem went through my mind over and over again as we took care of her, and hope truly seemed to be the thing that kept her family, the nurse and the doctors going at times when it seemed like things could never turn out right for this little baby. Amazingly, when she was about 9 months old she got to leave the hospital, and this tough little gal and her amazing family are thriving at almost 3 years old - she's a beautiful, happy, bright eyed and lively girl.
ReplyDeleteHope and faith are two of the things that surely helped bring that little lady and her family through some very dark times.
Those things will get you and Mat and Campbell though, too, one day at a time, one emotion at a time.
Hope
Emily Dickinson
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
continuing to think about you so often and pray for you guys.
ReplyDeleteyou are wonderful!
ps- loved the shout out to bible bowl:)
Bethany,
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully said. I love that you are honest and real with your emotions about both your girls. I find myself thinking about Campbell and Parker a lot these days myself. You are right about sadness and life not turning out the way we want. I was convinced for most of my life that marriage and a family wasn't meant for me. I know I'm getting a late start on things and I am so thankful for every. single. day. I wonder sometimes that if I hadn't "walked through my dark valley" for the whole of my 20's if I would have the thankful heart I have now. Who knows. I have a feeling God knew I needed that lonely time to appreciate what He's blessed me with now.
I was listening to this pastor on the radio a few years ago (very vibrant black pastor, can't remember his name) but he did a sermon on trials and tribulations. The one phrase I remember: "Everyone has trials and tribulations. It's just a matter of what phase you are in. Either you have just gone through T & T, are going through them now, or you are about to go through them." For some reason this helped me. It made me realize I'm not alone and that God is with me every single step of the way, no matter how bad it might be.
I would love to bring you dinner some night this week or next. I won't say. I'll just drop it off on your porch. Something yummy and homemade. Love to you, Mat and your girls.
Betsy