The past few days have been some of "those days". I was really hoping the transition back to work would help to be a distraction that makes time flow faster. I came into the week relaxed and refreshed from a great weekend hanging out with girlfriends. But it seems this week has thrown me more in the face of our loss. I find myself on the brink of tears several times throughout the day. I feel like I am at a heightened level of stress & anxiety. Overall I feel completely & utterly exhausted. I know its a combination of getting back in the swing of things at work and gearing up for state testing next week as well as still dealing with a grieving heart. My coworkers have been amazing. Hugs, encouragement, freedom to cry when I need to. They even hired a sub for me to use this week in my transition back. I am truly blessed to work with the people that I do. The kids have had kind of a hard time with it. I know that kids lack the mental filters that most of us adults have and use. My co-teachers worked with my students to give them a kid's understanding of what had happened so as to eliminate as many questions/comments as possible. Before I lost Parker, I would literally face 40 questions a day from not only my students - but students in the hallway or my bus line about my "babies". Kids are fascinated by pregnancy - all the more so by 2 babies in 1 stomach. I absolutely dreaded coming back to their questions. Some of my friends knew this and filled the kiddos in. And honestly, no matter how much "debriefing" they could have done wouldn't take away all the comments. Nevertheless, their curious, filter-less minds got the better of them this week and I had lots of painful comments / questions. I had 2 kiddos get in a fight in front of me about not "asking about Mrs. Good's dead baby. It'll make her cry". I had two others explaining to other students what would happen to Parker's body later on - in detail. I had another announce to her class as she passed me in the hall that I just lost a baby. Ouch. I know, I know, they don't get it. They are kids and they mean no harm - it's how they process information. But oh my goodness how it hurt - it was literally torture to a broken heart. It got better towards the end of the week, but I feel like I never know when a comment will be made - that I always have to be on the defense.
For whatever reason, this week as I drove to work, every time I looked up at the sky I thought of Parker and a baby I would never get to watch grow - up. A baby that I will always know how she looked, but never get to hear cry, laugh or say "mama". A baby that won't go with her sister to the first day of jr. high, that won't learn to drive a car, that won't go to college, that won't get married. I have these two twin girls at school, that every time I work with them, my heart aches and have to do everything I can to hold back tears. The way they are best friends and look out for each other. I hurt for Campbell that she will miss out on that - that she is being cheated of that. I have this fear that people will forget about Parker. It seems that everyone wants to know and ask about Campbell - which I love and appreciate and understand, but no one asks about Parker. I also understand this - I am sure I wouldn't ask about her either - it's not like there is an update to give. I am sure it is to not upset me, but I carry this fear that people won't remember her. My feelings are such a balancing act right now that I don't even know what will make me cry or not - so I can't expect others to navigate those feelings.
In lighter news, we officially changed OBs and I absolutely love him. He makes you feel optimistic and comfortable, never rushed or like you are a bother. We feel so blessed to have him on our side. My favorite part is that after each exam, he takes you into a consult room to further discuss everything. (ladies we all know it is much easier to think of all those questions when you are fully dressed) Yesterday I had a little bit of a scare and he had me come right in, get an US and check things out. Everything was fine - I am obviously hyper-sensitive now to what's going on in my body. It was painful to see little Parker in there, but oh so sweet to see Campbell give us a big yawn. Tomorrow I will be 26 weeks. I am feeling much stronger & more frequent kicks - which I absolutely treasure. Hopefully this weekend, I will get around to taking a 26 week preggo pic and posting it. I'm also hoping to get to work on rearranging our furniture to make room for miss campbell. (by I, I mean Mat. I will be doing the directing)
99 Days left to your due date! I'm still praying and just wanted you to know so! Your directing comment made me laugh-I can relate--I find myself in the director's chair often. :)
ReplyDeleteSo sorry your week was crappy. I hate that you had to go through that. Praying for continued strength for you all and definitely want to take you up on that coffee date:)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and looking forward to the 26 week preggo pic!
ReplyDeletehey, my name is aimee henderson and i saw your blog on jenny lynn babbingtons...random how i got here really. BUT i was reading a few of you posts and totally and completely understand how you feel about wondering if people will remember the baby you lost. well, my husband and i lost our first baby girl at 28 weeks, i delivered her and we named her Micaiah Rose. she would have been 4 this past october and i still get cards, flowers, phone calls and emails when either her birthdate or due date come around.
ReplyDeleteour family has been soo amazing and an example is that a cousin of my husband's just ordered his mom a charm necklace for her birthday, she called to confirm the spelling of my girls names (we now have 3 more) and she included Micaiah in there. i know i would have included her but i guess i dont always expect everyone else to think of her as one of our children like we do.
as i was typing that my 2 older girls woke up from a nap and came running into my room and squeezed me soo tight. i will always cherish those moments but many times a year i wonder what it would have been like to have her hug me or even cry or look at me for that matter. but there is amazing healing and grace in Christ Jesus and we would not got back and change His plan as harsh as that may seem.