pearl music

A friend of mine sent this blog to me last night. Please take time and read it. It's a mom who is a few weeks further along in her pregnancy and experiencing a very difficult pregnancy. While her pregnancy is completely different from mine, I can relate to some of her feelings and immediately was filled with compassion and admiration for her. Something I have learned during this pregnancy is that just as no two pregnancies are alike, no two losses are alike. While it would be silly for me to tell a mother who lost her daughter to cancer that I know how she feels, it would be silly for me to compare my situation to what the mama in this blog is facing. (I've learned that I will never tell a mom who loses a baby that I "understand". I don't. I can't. My loss/situation is completely different just as their's is/was and saying I "understand" doesn't make them feel any better. And a simple "Been there, done that" mentality doesn't help.) Okay, let me get down from my soapbox now...

Please take a moment to read her blog and say a quick prayer for her and her family. She is demonstrating some pretty amazing strength...strength that is serving as an inspiration to me today. She is believing in a miracle in the most dire of diagnosis.

http://pearlmusic.wordpress.com/

Not much to update around here. Just plugging along and taking everything one day at a time. Baby Hope's heart rate is almost always around 150 when I check it (which I do several times a day). I have started getting some pretty powerful little kicks around 5 in the morning. I think she (as well as here mama) is missing her early morning runs=) I had a phone appointment with my OB yesterday - Dr. N -(who was out of town all last week). I didn't really learn anything new - just some more of the same. She basically called to tell me how deeply sorry and shocked she was and that this was the first topic at their staff meeting Monday morning (hmmm...maybe that practice should change their no 1st trimester US rule? Just a thought....) We will know much more after our appointment with our perinatologist - Dr. R - next Monday. She said that she and Dr. R will be getting me on a very strict plan for the rest of pregnancy which would involve lots of appointments and scans. Bring it on - the more the merrier. And if all goes well and Baby Hope is growing accordingly I could very well make it full term. A girlfriend of mine joked yesterday that with all these prayers & my conversations with Baby Hope about "staying put" - she would probably be 2 weeks overdue=) Right now that sounds wonderful.

Please be praying that Baby Hope shows growth and that we get a favorable report on Monday Please also pray that her blood will continue to flow in the right direction. Mat will be with me at the appointment which will be good since Dr. R doesn't give you any fluff. He is cut and dry and gives you numbers. Which honestly is what we need. As stoic as his bedside manner is (and was at my appointment last Monday) We need a doctor who is the expert in this situation, being that it is a pretty rare situation. I just think my doctor-husband will be able to navigate that conversation better than his emotional wife=)

I continue to struggle with a lot of anger right now. While I firmly believe in anger in a loss, this isn't the time to dwell on that. I HAVE to be healthy and positive and strong for Baby Hope. She can feel my emotions and I have to figure out a different way to deal with that anger. The Mama Bear in me wants to rage on. But that's not the thing to do right now. I've already learned that what we might not want to do for ourselves, we will do for our children. While there are some mornings I would rather stay in bed all day or not get out of my pj's and sit and cry, I get up, get dressed and go for a little walk for Baby Hope. Because that's what she needs. I pray that this will get easier each day. Every day that little girl stays put inside me is a day for her to grow stronger and one less day in the NICU (which we are believing she won't have to be in) Mat and I honestly "feel" that she is going to be 100% okay. We just have that deep down peace that passes all understanding that a year from now we will be shaking our heads, thinking about all of this, while gazing at our perfect little girl.

We finalized on names for the girls this weekend. Baby A is Campbell Hope. (Still calling her Baby Hope in the meantime. I love that nickname) Baby B is Parker (still working on her middle name). I had always referred to them as "my sweet baby girls". We absolutely HATED the fact after this happened that we hadn't given Parker her name. I HATED calling her "Baby B" when I referred to the baby we lost. Cold. Impersonal. Sounded like an "add on". She has been and always will be so much more than that. She thrived in my belly for 22 weeks. She will always be a child to me, not a medical term. We have some tough decisions and conversations ahead about sweet little Parker. As I am sure some of you may have wondered, she is still with us, physically. She will be with us until delivery. For right now, this brings me comfort, knowing that she is with her sweet sister, the one who knew her longer that anyone else. I take comfort in the fact that they are inside me and I can still call them my sweet baby girls. I'm sorry if that's too much info for you or if it weirds you out. (but then again, this is my blog and my therapy session) At times, I fear people will be weirded out when they look at me and realize that she is with us. But in reality, I don't care. She is my baby. And life, no matter how short is a beautiful thing. Since I look obviously pregnant and have been getting lots of comments & questions from strangers and acquaintances alike, I find that I absolutely dread them. It had become so easy to say, "we are expecting twin girls!" and gush and goo about two of everything. Now I have to mentally make sure I don't say that. I choke back tears as they ask and give them my biggest smile and talk about how excited I am for my baby girl to be born. After all, a stranger at hen house doesn't need to hear all the details.

I'm off with a dear friend to register for Baby Hope, knowing she will need a nursery full of baby stuff! (then home to get my feet up, and follow my doctor's orders!)