Bittersweet

I woke up this morning with a whirlwind of thoughts and the lyrics to The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony circling through my mind:


Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no


In so many ways, this song sums up what's going on in my brain right now. (Well, not the slave to the money than you die - part...) I am pretty sure the writer had something way different in mind when he wrote the lyrics, but it has really spoken into my life lately. This life, the symphony, these circumstances, are the mold that I am in right now. I can't change them. I can wonder why I am in this mold, why this happened, why I lost a baby, why "me", why "us", but I might not know the answers. I have to accept that some things are left unanswered. People can tell me until they are blue in the face that there is a reason for this, or that God needed my baby in heaven, but it doesn't change the sadness in my heart. My favorite part of the song is the line about feeling like a million different people from one day to the next. I don't feel like a million different people, but I truly feel like all the emotions swirling around in my heart are different forms of me. All of these boil down into to main categories: celebration & grief. At times I am an expectant mom, cherishing kicks and tumbles. Making nursery plans. Contemplating childbirth. Listening to her heartbeat. Discussing nursing. Seeking advice. Then at times I am a grieving mom. Thinking about a baby in heaven. Wondering what she looks like. Does she know how much I love her? How much I miss feeling her kicks also? Can she see me? Does she miss being in my tummy with her sister? Are my grandmas taking care of her? Is she playing with other babies? What will her birth be like? What arrangements will we make for her body? How can we make the most of those few moments with her? Someone described it to me the other day as a schizofrenia of feelings.... mixing the joy and heartache. It struck me deeply because that is exactly how I feel. 


I have this urge to bring her up in discussions as casually as I bring up Campbell. It's like I need people to know that she has significance in my life. I am sure this makes people uncomfortable - I can see the looks of discomfort on their faces, but I need to talk about her. She is, and always will be, one of my babies. It's like I want people to know I have another baby I love. 


This week it seemed like I was bombarded with "twins". During testing, we had a story about twin girls that I had to listen to not 1, but 4 students read out loud to me and ask them questions about. One of the girls I tested was an identical twin. She was so excited about me having twins and I use to tease her that we were naming the babies after her and her sister. I heard stories about twins this week. I noticed more sets of twins at school. I don't think it was that I was confronted with it more - I think it's that I notice it more. 


I think the reason this is on the forefront of my heart this morning is we are in baby shower season. Don't get me wrong - I love parties - especially when they are for me:). Yesterday my wonderful ELL co-workers threw a surprise shower at happy hour for me & Campbell. They showered us with lots of love, tons of presents, yummy cake & well wishes - at a bar=) (I loved the looks on the other patron's faces at seeing a preggo at a bar having a baby shower - especially during the Big 12 tournament. I almost ordered a beer just to see what the waitress would say.)  It was absolutely wonderful. I was shocked and honored at how many came out to celebrate with us. And incredibly touched that my friends would take the time to throw the party.  Today my girlfriends are throwing a baby shower for me. My mom's in town, my girls from Tulsa are driving up - it will be  a wonderful celebration. I am really pumped for it. I got my hair done this week for it, bought a new outfit and even did my nails.  As excited as I am (and was yesterday) it's fresh in my mind, that this is for one baby, not two. Gifts, cards, well wishes - for one baby. Deep down, I know both babies will be there with me today as they always will be. 


Campbell & Parker, 
Today I am celebrating both of you. One name might be on a cake,  written in cards or  on gifts - but both of your names are on my heart and in my mind. I love you both to the moon and back - no matter where you are. Get ready for lots of "ooohhhhs and ahhhhhs" and sweet treats today baby girls. 


And yes, I will be posting lots of pictures from the showers later this weekend!