Sustenance...

I'm a big retrospect person. I like to look back at situations and try to see how I could do better next time, or see what lessons I can learn from a situation. Heck, if you gotta go through something crappy, might as well learn from it, right? So here are a few things I've learned - not so much for your viewing pleasure, but as a reminder to me when I look back through my blog in days, months, years to come. 


1. You are stronger than you think you are.
As I was driving to work yesterday morning (on time for once...), the word sustenance popped into my head out of nowhere. Not exactly a common word to come to mind during morning rush hour when you are honking at people (road rage is not one of my finer qualities).  So I went to dictionary.com and found this meaning which I really like:

to be sustained; to keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from giving way, as under trial or affliction.

*Disclaimer: As I have said several times, I really don't want to get preachy on my blog. I hate reading blogs that make me feel guilty or like I need to be a better Christian. Or need to pray more. Or go to church 12 times a week. (Yes I have a guilty conscience) So I won't go there. 


I have to say, never have I understood the word sustenance like I do now. Looking back at the past 10 weeks, I can see how God sustained us. He carried us in the palm of his hand. I can honestly say that this has been the hardest thing I have gone through to date. I remember my dad saying to me when this first happened, "You are stronger than you think you are." So true dad. I have felt shielded, protected, upheld, cradled, nestled and loved. God not only strengthened me, but showed me strength that I didn't know I had. Every single morning that I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day, face pitiful looks, face awkward questions or comments, face the painful slap of truth, face the fear of the unknown...He sustained me. He sustained us and continues to do so day by day. He's given me joy while at the same time helped me work through my grief. He's helped me process through this and grow from this tragedy.


I have had several people ask me if I am angry with God and my answer is no. Am I confused? Am I hurt? Am I sad? Am I angry? Do I feel cheated? YES to all of the above. But to take my anger out on God doesn't make sense to me. After all, he is the author and perfecter of life. Did he take my baby? Did he want me to lose my baby? NO. I don't have all of the "theology" behind why "bad things happen to good people" figured out. I don't need to figure it out right now. I trust that He is enough for me. 



2. Control Freak-oid
I confess. I am a control freak. I like everything to work my way and to be in charge. Just ask my husband.  I started learning this little lesson this time last year when we were trying to get pregnant. I googled scientifically researched exactly how it should be done and 101 ways to boost fertility and thought I had it all figured out. I just knew I would be returning to school in August preggo. When we weren't pregnant at 3 months (yes - 3 little 'ol months) I scheduled an appointment with my OB to discuss infertility. I was/am that girl. Slowly but surely during that period of life, I realized I wasn't in control and had to surrender to another plan. Ouch. That's hard for a control freak. When we found out we were pregnant, we just knew it was a boy. The whole time, we just had a "feeling". Mat and I went for a 5 mile run the morning we found out and we kept referring to the baby as "him". Well the control freak again lost control at our 19 week appointment when I found out not only was it a girl, but two little girls to be exact. I was over the moon excited, but felt completely out of control...again. After all, this was NOT what I planned for.  I had lots of research to do and needed to formulate my plan as to how to have a twin pregnancy, twin labor, breast feed twins, raise twins, send them to school, college, etc.... I was working on controlling the next 20 years of our/their life. When we found out we lost Parker, I was slapped in the face yet again with not being in control. So here I am 31 1/2 weeks and I have no idea when I will deliver or what exactly is to come. We are on a week to week basis from here on out and I have no control. Zero. We feel great about everything and Baby Hope got a perfect score at her first bio-physical screening this week. But still - we aren't in control.  God is in control and he is enough. Daily I give that control back to him. I have to or I go crazy. Its easy for me to get anxious thinking about what could still happen, the small chance we could still lose Campbell. The small chance that she could be born with neurological problems. Instead of telling God how to do things, my prayer has become, "Lord I believe. Help my unbelief." He will sustain. He is enough.


That's all for now... I am sure there will be more to come my way. After all, that's the beauty of life and being a life long learner.