one big hill away...

If you are looking for a pick me up or a smiley happy post - you might want to skip reading this.

This has been one of those days. A day when I all I want to do is cry. A day when I have laid on my bed and cried. A day when I have walked and cried (I wore sunglasses so they wouldn't call PVPD on the crazy prego). A day when I have been fixated on the upcoming birth and what it will be like. A day when I don't understand why this had to happen to us. I know it's partly hormones, but today it is deeper than hormones.

I want the birth to get here so badly. Obviously I want to meet my babies. More than that I want the unknown to be known. I want to get some of the sadness over with. Is that horrible? It's kind of like I've been on this really long run and I am exhausted and I know that there is a big steep hill coming up that I have to get up and over in order to finish my run. I know that once I reach the top I can take a little water break, maybe have a little gu and then I'll be home free. The hill means putting one foot in front of the other and not looking up at the top. Slow and steady wins the race. We will get there - and there will be relief when we do. Sometimes the fear of something is worse than the actual event.

I'm not naive. I know that this grieving process won't end with their birth. I know we will grieve her for the rest of our lives. But I need to get this moving - I need to get to the next step. I've been in denial the past 2 months and it's time to move forward. I need to get Campbell here safely and soundly and know that she is okay. I know - but it will be a huge relief to have her here ... in our arms... finally. I need to see Parker. I need to hold her, to memorize her.

I feel like I am preparing for the loss of one of my babies more than I am actually preparing for natural child birth.  The thought of dealing with any physical pain pales in comparison to preparing to part with Parker.  Natural childbirth truly doesn't scare me at this point. Separating myself from Parker does. I know she is "there" but she isn't.... I know she isn't viable...but part of me just doesn't want to let her go.

If you believe in prayer - please pray. Pray that the birth would be peaceful and positive. Pray for strength, both physical and emotional. That we would be able to make the memories that we will want to have down the road. That we will know how to balance the complexity of our emotions. That the staff we have surrounding us during this time would be sensitive to our needs. That we would have joy on this special day. I am not building it up into a special "moment" - I just have no idea what to expect and want to be able to make the most of it for both of my babies.

I'm okay. Really I am - it's just been one of those days. After every cloudy day, there is sunshine. That's what I'm looking forward to tomorrow - the sun's warm rays.