2 week update: baby hope

We went back to our perinatologist today for our 2 week check. Overall, things look very good. It was nice to have an ultrasound with no surprises - unlike the last two. Baby Hope has grown the right amount and is approximately 1 lb 3 oz which is right on track for 24 weeks. She was dancing all around and had a strong heartbeat. Everything looks good so far. He said that basically each day we get further from Parker's death, Campbell's chances of survival increase. The blood flow between the two has stopped which is a good thing. He reiterated that it is still a day to day process.

Specifically our risks are:

1) Any blood clots that could have gone into Campbell during the transfusion and then possibly could have traveled to her brain. (We won't know until she gets here if that happened- what's done is done and we can't do anything about it now if it happened.) These could lead to neurological complications like CP after birth. No huge clots were seen on the scan, but he said they would have to be pretty massive to show up. The chance of this is about 20%. Basically - we'll cross that bridge if we come to it...

2) Still a chance of randomly loosing her. Again - each day further from Parker's death, Baby Hope's chances increase (as a mom, it HURTS me to type that)

3) Preterm labor. Always a risk in any pregnancy. We are at a higher risk, but not drastically at this point. Still might have to take her early though if problems arise. We are getting closer to the 25 week mark, which is a very good thing if that has to happen.

Overall, we felt very good about the appointment. Dr R explained things very clearly to us and answered all of our questions. We are basically at a day to day place for the rest of the pregnancy. He wouldn't answer any long term questions mapping out the rest of pregnancy for me. Being a day to day situation, you just can't do that. So he said we will map it out "appointment to appointment". Type A Bethany wants to know all the details as to what each & every day would look like and if I can count on a 40 week pregnancy now or not (Come on now, I've got nursery plans to make!). The only thing he said is they would NOT let me go past my due date. (That's good, I guess?!)

Tomorrow we go to see a high risk OB. We are in the process of changing OBs to one who handles high risk patients. This guy knows my father-in-law which is an added bonus. We can't blame our OB for what happened, but it hurts me to know that we never had a chance to save Parker. I am dealing with so much guilt for this. Rationally, I know it isn't my "fault". Emotionally, as a mom, I am supposed to protect my babies, and I didn't protect her. Had our office offered first trimester ultrasounds, we would have had a chance. Had our 20 week ultrasound been read correctly, we would have had a chance. Not to say she would have made it - but we could have had a chance. Ultimately, what happened - happened and it won't bring Parker back. What we CAN control is the care that Baby Hope will get the rest of this pregnancy and we will do everything in our power to get her the very best care possible.

So here we are. The first 20 weeks flew by and were so EASY. I ate what I wanted, still ran & lifted, overall - felt great. I remember thinking - "Pregnancy is GREAT! I think as soon as this baby is born I'll be ready to get pregnant again. Maybe pop out 2 or 3 more right after another" NOW this pregnancy is crazy slow. The past two weeks have drug by and looking down the road looks like FOREVER away. June sounds like an eternity away. Honestly thinking about getting pregnant again scares the crud out of me. I know we will eventually - but still... Gone are the worries about stretch marks, hemroids (still don't want those... but it's not a top concern), too much weight gain in non-belly bump places, maintaining my running, etc. Here are the days of wondering if Baby Hope is still with us, still thriving in my belly; wondering if she is growing up to speed, if her blood is still pumping in the right direction. I have a deep down peace that passes ALL understanding that it will be all right - but the question of "Is she okay?" still goes through my head a thousand times a day. Each kick puts a huge smile on my face. It's like she is saying, "HELLO!! I'm coming out so you better get this party started!!!" (I know I know - I'm not even a fan of Pink, but this song came on the radio the other day and I heard it in a whole new way...)

24 wks

So I am CHOOSING joy in this pregnancy. At a place where fear could easily overtake me and at times does - I am choosing to find joy where I can. Here a few fun facts about baby hope:

-She loves Yoga. I did a little prenatal yoga today and she was kicking like crazy.

-She loves strawberries - again kicking like crazy.

-She's not a big fan of the winter olympics - she's slept through most of them so far.

-Our pug Dirvey loves her. She curls herself up right against where she is in my stomach and just hangs out there beside her. (Dirvs might feel differently once she gets here and she loses all my attention...)

-She is the proud owner of a BOB jogging stroller and a carseat - they are just hanging out, ready to take her fun places as soon as she gets here.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts and encouragement. Each and every comment has a special place in my heart. We have been blessed beyond words during this whole situation and continue to see God's hand guiding us a day at a time.

A friend of mine sent me this poem and I absolutely fell in love with it, specifically the first stanza:

Hope
Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.