Lessons from this week...

So yes, it's been a long week. More than a long week. There are a few choice words I would use to describe this week. But I will refrain - at least on my blog. I've learned a lot this week. By far I've learned way more about twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome than I have ever wanted to know. But I've learned some other important stuff too:

1. The fragility of life. This is more like the theme for this week.

2. Boost protein shakes aren't that bad. In fact they are pretty good. I'm thinking I could incorporate these into my green smoothies in the morning...

3. My brother is a pretty poor packer. (He drove in from Denver to surprise us in his scrubs and cowboy boots. My brother didn't bring anything else except another pair of scrubs (stolen...errr...borrowed from the hospital) and his pager. Oh Marshall. I love you. Going back to Denver he got pulled over by a cop and had quite a lot of explaining to do as to why he was in the middle of nowhere ....in winter ... with only scrubs and cowboy boots.)

4. Life can change in one gut-wrenching, stomach lurching, knee-buckeling, heart-breaking moment (as so many of you have shared with me from your own personal experiences). We don't go looking for grief and heartache. It finds us. It's our reaction to it that matters.

5. HOPE. Hope does not disappoint us.

6. There is nothing like a good laugh in the midst of sadness. See #3.

7. How to make $200 brownies. Thanks C - We will definitely be eating some of these soon - looks like the perfect comfort food.

8. Dogs know just when you need them the most. We have had two sweet little dogs at our side or on our laps all week long.

9. Last but not least - the love and support of our wonderful family & friends. We have been blown away by the support this week. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it 10,000 more times, but Thank You. We always knew we had awesome friends & family, but we truly have experienced it first hand this week.

A little bit of an update:

Yesterday my mom and I went back to the doctor for another fetal heart check. Little A is doing well. So far so good. We had the most fantastic nurse who gave me a huge hug, let me do some crying and then gave me her direct extension and orders to call her anytime I need ANYTHING and not mess around with any other nurses. Some of you know that our experience with our OB's practice has been hit and miss. This definitely made up for it. Anyways - nice, strong, healthy heart beat, lots of moving - which she informed us were very good signs. She is definitely a little fighter. We should be getting our Doppler in the mail today and the frequent heart monitoring will begin. I hit 23 weeks tomorrow. So we've got 2 more weeks to go... well more like 15 or so, but 2 weeks until we are in a better place.

My mom has been here all week and been amazing. From distracting me with other things, letting me just sit and cry, hugging me, cleaning our house, running to the grocery store, making yummy food - it has been a blessing to have her here with us.

I've hit an angry stage. I woke up this morning feeling cheated and pissed. I am working hard on turning that around - though I am sure it is a natural feeling and there is probably a healthy side to that. I am so freaking sad that I feel like I am constantly on the brink of tears. There are times I would like to blame my OB who doesn't do ultrasounds first trimester. Or the fact that when she read my US 3 weeks ago today, she told me I wasn't at risk for ttts and in fact, not much risk at all. Or the lady at her office who lost my file and scheduled me later with the perinatologist. Or get mad at the perinatologist for the way he broke the news to me. But all in all - it's no ones' fault. It's what happened, whether I like it or not and the blame game doesn't solve anything except turning me into a bitter person. Our virtual OB (okay she is our friend more than that, but I like saying Virtual OB it makes her sound like an avatar- hope that's ok Jenny:)) sent me this quote from Lord of the Rings. (I admit I am the only person out there who hasn't watched, it, but I LOVE this quote.) There is a line in the movie where Frodo says he wished none of this had ever happened to him (he wished the ring had never come to him). Gandolf tells him calmly,

"so wish all who see such times. But is not for us to decide. All we can do is decide how we live with what has been given to us"

As much as I wish right now that God was a puppet or a fairy-godmother - He's not. (seriously thank God he's not - this world would be a wreck if it operated like that) He's sovereign and in control and he has a plan for all of this - no matter what happens. Of course he didn't want us to lose Baby B and he doesn't want us lose Baby A - but no matter what happens, no matter how hard I pray, He has a bigger plan in place. And I have to trust that.

We've decided to change Baby A's name to Baby Hope. I don't know if we will end up naming her Hope or not, but in the meantime that's what we will call her. We have seen a resounding theme this week of HOPE. I have received emails this week with HOPE as the title. I have been given scriptures this week that focus on HOPE. Two of my best friends dreamed of little babies named HOPE. (Seriously I still have goosebumps about that one)

So for now - keep fighting away Baby Hope. Mama and Daddy are absolutely crazy about you and can't wait to watch you grow up.