As I reflect on the past year and look forward to a new year, here are some of the life lessons I learned:
1) It's okay to be angry with God. I finally admitted it the other day during a run. I'm mad at God. And it's okay. I guess this whole time I haven't wanted to be mad at Him. After all, that wasn't the Sunday School answer to life's problems. I was afraid he would take Campbell away also. I know he didn't take Parker from us. But he didn't stop it. And that's what I'm angry about. It is something I'm working daily to resolve. I prayed VERY specifically last January for him to protect both babies and for Parker to grow and flourish. For whatever reason God didn't answer my prayer. I might never understand it and I have to learn to be okay with that. But for now, I'm angry. And it's okay. As silly as it sounds, I realized it's like when I'm mad at Mat about something (no, I'm not comparing my husband to God...that's just downright creepy)...if I don't talk about it with him, it grows & festers. Part of loving someone is realizing you have the freedom to express anger towards them and they will still love you.
2) Sometimes God choose's not to heal. Okay, so this pretty much goes along with #1. I've always known that and believed it, but for some reason its way easier to tell someone else that, than to experience it. I don't know why people have to get cancer, why babies have to die, why people have horrible debilitating diseases that God doesn't free them from. It sucks. But then again, I'm not in control and God doesn't solely exist in my little box of a life. And thank God he doesn't.
3) Heartache changes friendships. Some friendships last a lifetime, others wax and wane with life's circumstances. And it's okay. Through this past year we have been blessed with an amazing group of friends. We've felt loved and supported. Friends have dropped every thing and come to spend time with us. They've fed us, loved on us, cried with us and most importantly celebrated with us. Friendships have sprung out of nowhere, been rekindled after years apart and unfortunately some friendships have grown farther apart. And it's okay. If one thing is true it's that everyone needs a core group of friends to venture through life with.
4) Life is what you make it. You can chose to think about how tough your life is or you can focus on the blessings and find the joy in everyday life. Some days thats harder than others. Bottom line - everyone can find some sort of joy to focus on each day.
5) You're stronger than you think you are. The days after we lost Parker, my dad's constant message to me was you're stronger than you think you are. This has echoed through my heart this past year and it's so true. Reminding myself of that on days when I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day was hard - but crucial.
6) Life is precious. I've had countless friends lose babies this year. Some early in pregnancy, some late. Each tiny little life is precious and should be celebrated. It changes you not only as a woman, but as a mom. When I was holding my little lady while she was screaming her little lungs out, I knew all to well how precious her life was and I was just so thankful to have her in my arms.
7) I love love love being a mom. Bringing her into the world was the best thing we've ever done. Nothing compares to the feeling I have when I go into to get her after a nap and this huge smile spreads across her little face. Or the way she nestles her little head in the crook of my neck right before I put her to bed at night. Watching my little lady grow and explore the world around her is one of the most amazing things ever. I knew I would love it .... but I had no idea how much I would love it. So yes. I admit it - I've got full on baby fever. Bring on the babies!
What a year. I'm looking forward to a brand new year and a brand new set of blessings and lessons.
What about you? What lessons/blessings did you encounter in 2010?
