Happy V-day to this guy...

i am pretty sure had we known each other in 1988, we still would have been in love (despite the fact that i was 8 and he was 12). after all, he played baseball and i collected baseball cards and we both watched he-man. so it's pretty much a done deal. so many things i love about this guy... but i'll save you the cheesiness...

just a few pics of us throughout the past 6 years...

our first christmas ( we look SO young!)

wedding in mazatlan...

big sur - our first of many marathons together

happy valentines day to my favorite valentine! looking forward to a lifetime of

memories waiting to be made!

beauty from ashes

Don't read this title and think that I am already at that point. I'm not. This phrase has literally been bouncing around my head for days. I knew it was somewhere in the Bible, but let's face it, my Bible Bowl days were long ago. It will just occur to me at the most random time. So finally this morning I sat down and googled it and found the scripture. It has obviously been bouncing around for a reason.

Isaiah 61:3

...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

I am so not there yet, I am not ready to see the beauty that will come from this or feel gladness or praise. I will be one day and I have peace in that promise. One day I will have perspective, but not today. One day I will see the beauty and feel gladness again, but not right now.

What hit me today was that everyone has a story in their life. The ashes we go through might be a chapter or two or maybe more. It's how the story ends that shows the beauty. I've had several conversations with friends in the past week that have all gone through different kinds of tragedies or heartbreak... stillborns, suicide, diagnoses of cancer, infertility... or life just not working out like they planned. I have also seen several demonstrations of these people taking these ashes and turning them into beauty. My prayer is to be able to finish our story that way. I know grief is a process and I feel like we are doing our best right now to get up and face each new day and the tears or struggles that accompany it. We are talking, we are sharing, we are crying, and we are holding on to each other. We laugh at silly things like our dogs and we make time to talk about our heartbreak of losing Parker. We also make time to celebrate Campbell and look forward to her precious life with us. We are slowly finding the balance between the two emotions: joy & heartbreak. We'll get there. I found myself yesterday trying to expedite the grief process. I feel like I have to have completely walked through it by the time Baby Hope gets here to not cheat her out of a stable mom. It was like, if I can check these things off my list, or distract myself long enough the pain will go away. I keep thinking, "If I wait long enough, I will wake up and this nightmare will be over." The pain might go away for a little bit, but then it hits me like a slap in the face and I find that I am not any better than I had hoped. I'm learning to take one day at a time - hoping for a good day, but perservering none the less. I'm learning to appreciate the grieving process and not rush it. I don' t have to be smiley happy Bethany. I can be myself, even if it means crying in front of others. We have to go through the ashes to get to the beauty. I just keep in mind that we don't LIVE in the ashes. I will not let us dwell in sadness. There is beauty to be found.

pearl music

A friend of mine sent this blog to me last night. Please take time and read it. It's a mom who is a few weeks further along in her pregnancy and experiencing a very difficult pregnancy. While her pregnancy is completely different from mine, I can relate to some of her feelings and immediately was filled with compassion and admiration for her. Something I have learned during this pregnancy is that just as no two pregnancies are alike, no two losses are alike. While it would be silly for me to tell a mother who lost her daughter to cancer that I know how she feels, it would be silly for me to compare my situation to what the mama in this blog is facing. (I've learned that I will never tell a mom who loses a baby that I "understand". I don't. I can't. My loss/situation is completely different just as their's is/was and saying I "understand" doesn't make them feel any better. And a simple "Been there, done that" mentality doesn't help.) Okay, let me get down from my soapbox now...

Please take a moment to read her blog and say a quick prayer for her and her family. She is demonstrating some pretty amazing strength...strength that is serving as an inspiration to me today. She is believing in a miracle in the most dire of diagnosis.

http://pearlmusic.wordpress.com/

Not much to update around here. Just plugging along and taking everything one day at a time. Baby Hope's heart rate is almost always around 150 when I check it (which I do several times a day). I have started getting some pretty powerful little kicks around 5 in the morning. I think she (as well as here mama) is missing her early morning runs=) I had a phone appointment with my OB yesterday - Dr. N -(who was out of town all last week). I didn't really learn anything new - just some more of the same. She basically called to tell me how deeply sorry and shocked she was and that this was the first topic at their staff meeting Monday morning (hmmm...maybe that practice should change their no 1st trimester US rule? Just a thought....) We will know much more after our appointment with our perinatologist - Dr. R - next Monday. She said that she and Dr. R will be getting me on a very strict plan for the rest of pregnancy which would involve lots of appointments and scans. Bring it on - the more the merrier. And if all goes well and Baby Hope is growing accordingly I could very well make it full term. A girlfriend of mine joked yesterday that with all these prayers & my conversations with Baby Hope about "staying put" - she would probably be 2 weeks overdue=) Right now that sounds wonderful.

Please be praying that Baby Hope shows growth and that we get a favorable report on Monday Please also pray that her blood will continue to flow in the right direction. Mat will be with me at the appointment which will be good since Dr. R doesn't give you any fluff. He is cut and dry and gives you numbers. Which honestly is what we need. As stoic as his bedside manner is (and was at my appointment last Monday) We need a doctor who is the expert in this situation, being that it is a pretty rare situation. I just think my doctor-husband will be able to navigate that conversation better than his emotional wife=)

I continue to struggle with a lot of anger right now. While I firmly believe in anger in a loss, this isn't the time to dwell on that. I HAVE to be healthy and positive and strong for Baby Hope. She can feel my emotions and I have to figure out a different way to deal with that anger. The Mama Bear in me wants to rage on. But that's not the thing to do right now. I've already learned that what we might not want to do for ourselves, we will do for our children. While there are some mornings I would rather stay in bed all day or not get out of my pj's and sit and cry, I get up, get dressed and go for a little walk for Baby Hope. Because that's what she needs. I pray that this will get easier each day. Every day that little girl stays put inside me is a day for her to grow stronger and one less day in the NICU (which we are believing she won't have to be in) Mat and I honestly "feel" that she is going to be 100% okay. We just have that deep down peace that passes all understanding that a year from now we will be shaking our heads, thinking about all of this, while gazing at our perfect little girl.

We finalized on names for the girls this weekend. Baby A is Campbell Hope. (Still calling her Baby Hope in the meantime. I love that nickname) Baby B is Parker (still working on her middle name). I had always referred to them as "my sweet baby girls". We absolutely HATED the fact after this happened that we hadn't given Parker her name. I HATED calling her "Baby B" when I referred to the baby we lost. Cold. Impersonal. Sounded like an "add on". She has been and always will be so much more than that. She thrived in my belly for 22 weeks. She will always be a child to me, not a medical term. We have some tough decisions and conversations ahead about sweet little Parker. As I am sure some of you may have wondered, she is still with us, physically. She will be with us until delivery. For right now, this brings me comfort, knowing that she is with her sweet sister, the one who knew her longer that anyone else. I take comfort in the fact that they are inside me and I can still call them my sweet baby girls. I'm sorry if that's too much info for you or if it weirds you out. (but then again, this is my blog and my therapy session) At times, I fear people will be weirded out when they look at me and realize that she is with us. But in reality, I don't care. She is my baby. And life, no matter how short is a beautiful thing. Since I look obviously pregnant and have been getting lots of comments & questions from strangers and acquaintances alike, I find that I absolutely dread them. It had become so easy to say, "we are expecting twin girls!" and gush and goo about two of everything. Now I have to mentally make sure I don't say that. I choke back tears as they ask and give them my biggest smile and talk about how excited I am for my baby girl to be born. After all, a stranger at hen house doesn't need to hear all the details.

I'm off with a dear friend to register for Baby Hope, knowing she will need a nursery full of baby stuff! (then home to get my feet up, and follow my doctor's orders!)

my little Hope project

(**Disclaimer: I have never blogged so much in my life. If my posts are becoming annoying to you, feel free to skip them. This has become my new form of therapy.)

It's almost comical to me to sit here and think about what I was doing this time last Saturday. Last weekend we were in the mountains with some of our best friends, DJ & Amy. We had a wonderful weekend of talking, relaxing, eating (me), drinking fantastic wine (not me), sleeping (me again), skiing (the boys) & shopping (the girls).

My biggest decision last Saturday afternoon while shopping was whether to purchase the yellow Coach diaper bag or the pink Coach diaper bag. It really had me perplexed. I chatted with the girls about it, grilled a mom about it and even called 2 of my best friends. I finally settled on the yellow for two reasons. 1) With hauling around twins, Mat would definitely be carrying the diaper bag at times and the less pink the better. 2) We were surprised once at an ultrasound - I could see it happening again and us having a BOY and a GIRL. So yellow it was and off I went with my adorable little purchase - eager to fill it with 2 of everything.

What difference a week makes.

So here I am 1 week since then. We came home rested and renewed with wonderful memories of our happy little vacation. We were pumped for our appointment on Monday to get to see our sweet babies again. God knew we were in for a whirlwind of a week and He planned everything accordingly. Well you know the rest from there. In light of everything that has gone down this week, I decided I needed a plan, a project or sorts that would fit under my doctor's order of care: being moderately active, no stress and lots of rest. Thus begins My little Hope project. This is the way I am putting my faith in action. My Hope in action. In believing that in a few short months I am going to have a sweet little baby to take care of, I am getting her nursery ready. My mom and I went out this week to purchase the material - a task I was dreading. Right after we found out we were expecting, I went and found what I wanted and brought home samples of the fabric to show Mat. While out shopping, I ran into a lady who was so excited about me having twins - then just HAD to share with me her bitter story of losing one of them tragically. I don't really remember the details - I tried to block them. But she talked about how her 18 year old daughter still talks about her "dead twin sister" (her words, not mine) I was immediately haunted and terrified that this would happen tome. (WHY OH WHY do people think they need to share horror stories with pregnant ladies?!! I've already heard more stories than I need to hear! Do I know they happen? YES! Have I had friends walk down those horrible paths? YES! Am I currently walking down that path myself? YES - KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PEOPLE!!! Only tell pregnant ladies how great they look and how happy you are for them. period.) Anyways...So yes - the wacko fabric lady. Needless to say, I was dreading going to buy the fabric because of the memory associated with it. Anyways - It was fine. My mom went with me and we got it all picked out. It's a beautiful mixture of robyn's egg blue, buttercup yellow, bright pink, apple green & brown. And there are polka dots, stripes, flowers galore. I went a little nuts and my mom finally talked me out of the brown & white zebra stripe - just a little too busy (but I am sure I can sneak that in somewhere...)

This morning before she left she walked me through cutting out the material. For those of you who know my mom - she is quite the domestic diva. I, on the other hand, am not. She can make anything - from scratch, without a pattern. She could probably make the fabric if she wanted to. She tried for years to teach me to sew and it never got very far. I usually got frustrated and wandered off to go do something else.

So this is my Hope Project. I need something to fill my mind and my time right now. I want to actively be doing something for my babies. Both of them. One who will forever be in our hearts, one who will forever be with us physically. My thoughts are all over the place. I feel like my brain is in super ADD mode and bounces back and forth between sadness, anger, frustration to hope, joy and belief that all will be okay. I don't feel like I can fully mourn the loss of one of my babies or fully rejoice in the life of the other - without cheating the other baby. I hurt so deeply emotionally that it hurts physically. I go from being so incredibly angry one moment to a feeling of peace the next. I look forward to the birth now with a bittersweet feeling as it will hold a major transition for us. (and fyi: the thoughts I share on the blog are totally sensored. They are real and raw, but I have a whole slew of them racing around that are way too intimate to share - those go in my journal) They are just something I need to sort through and I know it will take awhile. So in the meantime as I work through this roller coaster, my Hope project to honor both of my sweet babies.

Sweet little Hope, I've listened to your precious heartbeat about 15 times since I got the doppler in the mail yesterday. A steady 150. Nice work. You woke me up with your powerful little kicks this morning nice and early & I loved every moment of it. You must be an early bird just like your mama. Your nursery is going to match your zest for life little lady so get ready=) (I just hope all the busy prints I picked out don't make your cross-eyed)

Lessons from this week...

So yes, it's been a long week. More than a long week. There are a few choice words I would use to describe this week. But I will refrain - at least on my blog. I've learned a lot this week. By far I've learned way more about twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome than I have ever wanted to know. But I've learned some other important stuff too:

1. The fragility of life. This is more like the theme for this week.

2. Boost protein shakes aren't that bad. In fact they are pretty good. I'm thinking I could incorporate these into my green smoothies in the morning...

3. My brother is a pretty poor packer. (He drove in from Denver to surprise us in his scrubs and cowboy boots. My brother didn't bring anything else except another pair of scrubs (stolen...errr...borrowed from the hospital) and his pager. Oh Marshall. I love you. Going back to Denver he got pulled over by a cop and had quite a lot of explaining to do as to why he was in the middle of nowhere ....in winter ... with only scrubs and cowboy boots.)

4. Life can change in one gut-wrenching, stomach lurching, knee-buckeling, heart-breaking moment (as so many of you have shared with me from your own personal experiences). We don't go looking for grief and heartache. It finds us. It's our reaction to it that matters.

5. HOPE. Hope does not disappoint us.

6. There is nothing like a good laugh in the midst of sadness. See #3.

7. How to make $200 brownies. Thanks C - We will definitely be eating some of these soon - looks like the perfect comfort food.

8. Dogs know just when you need them the most. We have had two sweet little dogs at our side or on our laps all week long.

9. Last but not least - the love and support of our wonderful family & friends. We have been blown away by the support this week. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it 10,000 more times, but Thank You. We always knew we had awesome friends & family, but we truly have experienced it first hand this week.

A little bit of an update:

Yesterday my mom and I went back to the doctor for another fetal heart check. Little A is doing well. So far so good. We had the most fantastic nurse who gave me a huge hug, let me do some crying and then gave me her direct extension and orders to call her anytime I need ANYTHING and not mess around with any other nurses. Some of you know that our experience with our OB's practice has been hit and miss. This definitely made up for it. Anyways - nice, strong, healthy heart beat, lots of moving - which she informed us were very good signs. She is definitely a little fighter. We should be getting our Doppler in the mail today and the frequent heart monitoring will begin. I hit 23 weeks tomorrow. So we've got 2 more weeks to go... well more like 15 or so, but 2 weeks until we are in a better place.

My mom has been here all week and been amazing. From distracting me with other things, letting me just sit and cry, hugging me, cleaning our house, running to the grocery store, making yummy food - it has been a blessing to have her here with us.

I've hit an angry stage. I woke up this morning feeling cheated and pissed. I am working hard on turning that around - though I am sure it is a natural feeling and there is probably a healthy side to that. I am so freaking sad that I feel like I am constantly on the brink of tears. There are times I would like to blame my OB who doesn't do ultrasounds first trimester. Or the fact that when she read my US 3 weeks ago today, she told me I wasn't at risk for ttts and in fact, not much risk at all. Or the lady at her office who lost my file and scheduled me later with the perinatologist. Or get mad at the perinatologist for the way he broke the news to me. But all in all - it's no ones' fault. It's what happened, whether I like it or not and the blame game doesn't solve anything except turning me into a bitter person. Our virtual OB (okay she is our friend more than that, but I like saying Virtual OB it makes her sound like an avatar- hope that's ok Jenny:)) sent me this quote from Lord of the Rings. (I admit I am the only person out there who hasn't watched, it, but I LOVE this quote.) There is a line in the movie where Frodo says he wished none of this had ever happened to him (he wished the ring had never come to him). Gandolf tells him calmly,

"so wish all who see such times. But is not for us to decide. All we can do is decide how we live with what has been given to us"

As much as I wish right now that God was a puppet or a fairy-godmother - He's not. (seriously thank God he's not - this world would be a wreck if it operated like that) He's sovereign and in control and he has a plan for all of this - no matter what happens. Of course he didn't want us to lose Baby B and he doesn't want us lose Baby A - but no matter what happens, no matter how hard I pray, He has a bigger plan in place. And I have to trust that.

We've decided to change Baby A's name to Baby Hope. I don't know if we will end up naming her Hope or not, but in the meantime that's what we will call her. We have seen a resounding theme this week of HOPE. I have received emails this week with HOPE as the title. I have been given scriptures this week that focus on HOPE. Two of my best friends dreamed of little babies named HOPE. (Seriously I still have goosebumps about that one)

So for now - keep fighting away Baby Hope. Mama and Daddy are absolutely crazy about you and can't wait to watch you grow up.

Update

First and foremost I want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who commented on the last blog. I had no idea so many people actually read it. There is no way I could personally contact each of you, but every single comment, brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Knowing that there are literally people all over the world praying for this teeny-tiny little person inside me right now is the most surreal feeling. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, words & scriptures.

Yesterday we had a follow-up with the OB. Ours is out of town, so we saw a different dr. who was fantastic. She squeezed us in between C-sections and gave us all the time in the world. Twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome is incredibly rare. So rare in fact that she MIGHT see 1 case in 10 years. (We just keep blowing the odds - first twins, then identical, then ttts - geez. Well FYI we are going to keep blowing the odds when this little miracle is born) Since it is so incredibly rare, questions are hard to answer and best left up to our perinatologist. Anyways. Through her help and the help of our fabulous "virtual" OB & family friend Jenny Keller in Vermont, we have learned that if we can make it to 25 weeks her chances drastically go up. (25 weeks for a singleton is more like 23-24 for a twin - so ideal would be 26-27.) At that point she has approximately 80% chance of survival if we can get steroids going and all goes well after she is born. Of course, if she isn't ready to come out yet - then we want her to stay nice and cozy inside me. I will be going in every other week for a special ultrasound at the perinatologist in which they measure the direction of the blood flow through her heart. If it goes in the right direction, fantastic. If not, we start steroid therapy immediately and I will be induced. We are very blessed that the hospital I was planning on delivering at has the best NICU around- so if we end up needing to use it, it's the best place for her. The unfortunate thing is that I could lose her in the next few weeks and not have any of the typical signs of losing a baby, so my doctor has offered for me to come in for daily fetal heart rate checks if I want. We went a step BEYOND that and just rented the silly machine so I can do it 10 times a day if I want. The doctor has me at home for the next 2 weeks, but not on bed rest. We need blood flow to be happening for her to have her best chances at life, so I am supposed to go on short walks (yeah a year ago I was training like crazy to run the big Sur Marathon. Now I get to walk to the corner and back - funny how life changes) and be moderately active while getting extra rest & tons of hydration (no exercise, no lifting, no cleaning, no added stress) but being completely sedintary hurts her chances. Mat has been doing some research and found out about a therapy that could be optional at this point. So he will be doing a follow-up with our perinatologist today to discuss pursuing that. Unfortunately, he couldn't be with me on Monday at the perinatologist's visit. We had no reason to think anything was wrong and he can only get off for so many appointments and have any type of paternity leave left over - so he wasn't there to ask the right questions and I was too emotional to do so. I always joked with him about his role was as my husband not as my doctor. Now I am so glad to have him as both.

As far as complications after birth, we aren't even going there right now. We are obviously going to love this baby no matter what. That clearly goes without saying. We will cross any and all bridges at the time they arise. As any parent would, we are praying for her to be 100% healthy and strong. We are believing that she will have a mighty story to tell one day. The important thing is to focus on Baby A and staying strong and optimistic for her. One of the biggest things both our virtual OB and our doctor have said is to stay positive - it really does make a difference for the baby. Night before last I dreamed that I was feeding a beautiful baby girl with blond curls. I am choosing to believe that dream will become very real soon. (For some reason she was in dorky clothes and I was feeding her cocoa-puffs, but whatever, she was ours and with US)

Mat and I have been so incredibly touched over the past few days. While we find ourselves tearing up randomly as we think about losing Baby B, we are overwhelmed at the kindness of our friends and family. Honestly, I can't really going into the pain of losing Baby B right now on a blog. At times I find myself not being able to breathe as I try to take it all in. As so many who have experienced the devastating pain of loosing a baby have expressed, it is too intimate for words - at least right now for me it is. That time will come and I am sure I will share parts of it. Right now the experience has to do with the dichotomy of losing one baby while fervently fighting for the life of another.

Currently our house is engulfed in a garden of beautiful flowers from friends and family. We had an incredibly yummy dinner brought in by one of my best friends last night. My parents drove up from Oklahoma. My brother drove in from DENVER and shocked the pants off me - and of course made me start crying, again. 3 of my best friends in Oklahoma have vowed to drive up at a moments notice if need be. We've had phone calls, emails, texts, voicemails and we are feeling so incredibly loved and supported. We've heard about churches and small groups all over the world - literally - praying for our little girl. Through all of this, we are learning to let go and let God. (I know, I know, I sound like a cheesy sign at church, but that is truly what the control freak in me is learning right now) There is nothing we can do except pray and stay positive. At church we've been talking a lot about how Jesus alone is enough. I woke up thinking about that this morning - no matter what may happen, we have Jesus. This promise calms me in the scary times when I start to think, "what if..." His love has been made so incredibly real to us over the past day and half that it just makes me weepy.

Through devastation and heart break we have felt so much love and hope. A dear friend of mine shared this scripture with me yesterday:

When you pass through the waters I will be with you,

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned,

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, The Holy One of Israel,

your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 2-3

I've always intended not to get "preachy" on my blog, but this scripture filled me with peace yesterday. Thank you to all of you - you have touched us beyond words.

news

It's 3:36 am and my mind won't stop racing. We found out yesterday afternoon at our ultrasound with the perinatologist that we lost one of the twins. It was absolutely devastating news. It's a whole other story, that I can't go into right now. It looks like the girls were identical twins and suffered from twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome in which one baby gets more of the nutrients than the other. Having identical twins is pretty rare, unfortunately, having this icky disease is not. The highest time of risk is between 16 and 24 weeks. We were originally told that our babies didn't fall into this category and that it wasn't anything to worry about. Clearly the events at yesterday's appointment were completely off our radar.

We are crushed to say the least. While we rejoice in the life of our other baby (Baby A), we morn for the one we lost (Baby B). (** Please not that the names A & B have nothing to do with the events, it is simply what they doctor's call them based on their position inside my uterus) I have so many questions and feelings whirling around in my brain, I don't even know where to start with that. The past 2 1/2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions. We are just kind of a big fat mess right now, not knowing which way to think or feel at times. Confusion. Hurt. Sadness. Questions. Concern.

While I could write on and on trying to clear my head, I need to ask you - whoever you are reading our blog- to stand in prayer for Baby A. It seems that Baby A is now at an increased risk of not surviving. She is also at an even more increased risk of developing neurological complications or cerebral palsy. The next 2 1/2 weeks are critical. I don't think there will be a time in the pregnancy where we will be "out of the woods" from what I understand. Some of the complications might not appear until after she is born. It's a wait and see type game where there isn't a whole lot we can do - other than pray. Mat and I firmly believe in the power of prayer and ask you to pray specifically for the following things:

-Pray for the strength of this little girl, Baby A. She is quite a little fighter.

-Pray for her continual development, both physically and mentally.

-Pray for the doctor's that we will be seeing over the next few weeks.

-Pray for us to have insight and wisdom as to do what is best for her.

The verse I am focusing on and praying over Baby A right now is:

"May the God of Hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

We firmly believe that God won't give us more than we can handle- whatever that may be. We are staying positive and sending lots of love and positive energy to this little girl. We ask you to do the same. We need to hear positive stories right now, success stories.

We have already been touched with so many kind words, phone calls, texts, e-mails, offers of food, prayer support etc. My family is on their way into town and we know without a doubt that we aren't going through this alone.